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我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的

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《我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的》是知名青年作家周嘉宁最新短篇作品合集,包含已在豆瓣阅读发表的热门作品《寂静岭》和《我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的》,并增加未发表篇目。
周嘉宁在《我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的》中写了13个发生在都市人中间的故事,爱情、亲情,以及说不清的情愫,这是专属于周嘉宁的情绪和氛围,其笔下的人物典型的“爱无能”也被周嘉宁一语道破:“明明想要与人无限贴近,却又忍不住惧怕亲密。”
Content Description

《我是一步步毁掉我的生活的》是周嘉宁的短篇小说集,包括《爱情》《幻觉》《我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活》等13篇短篇小说。

在生活的一马平川面前,幸好还有些格格不入的入侵者,带着热气腾腾的怒气、哀怨、惊恐和悲伤。

潦草的梦境、遥远的记忆、深藏的悲伤……
13个故事,写给在未知恐慌中顽抗的男男女女,
他们渴望亲昵,终于逃离;
摊开痛苦,却又无力倾诉。
13段消磨,写给尚未与自己和解的你们,
和那些终于被我们毁掉的生活。


Author Description

周嘉宁
1982年出生于上海,毕业于复旦大学。
专业写作,业余翻译。
现任“鲤Newriting”书系文字总监。

已出版:
长篇小说《荒芜城》等
短篇小说《杜撰记》等

翻译:
《写在身体上》
《没有人比你更属于这里》


Catalogue

爱情 /////// 1
幻觉 /////// 17
末日 /////// 33
轻轻喘出一口气 /////// 51
尽头 /////// 67
那儿,那儿 /////// 85
热带 /////// 107
美好的时光不能久留 /////// 129
夜晚在你周围暗下来 /////// 135
荒岛 /////// 151
我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的 /////// 167
让我们聊些别的 /////// 183
生日快乐 /////// 203


Book Abstract

爱情
“我读过一篇小说,”我对小五说,“讲的是一对恋人沿公路旅行,因为疲惫也可能因为别的,在经过一个加油站的时候,他们不愿意停下来,想着油箱里的油应该足够撑到下一个加油站,可是那下一个加油站却一直都没有出现。这样说,他们应该不是沿着高速公路在行驶,是在类似国道的路上?总之后来,他们的情绪随着油灯的亮起而失控,开始彼此指责,翻出各种旧账。”
“也是夏天,”我补充道,“与现在一样。然后他们关了空调,关了无线电,关了一切可能会耗费任何一滴油的东西。太热了,打开窗户,也没法再争吵,就慢吞吞地等待着油用尽的那一刻……”
“那后来他们有没有找到加油站。”小五打断我。
“我记不得了,大概压根就没有写吧。”
“哦。”
我想他并没有认真在听,我大概也只是随口说说。我们的油箱差不多是满的,公路指示牌上也不间断地提示着加油站的距离。真的是夏天,前面几百米处柏油马路反射出明晃晃的光,就好像是路中央凭空出现的水洼,而开过去,才发现只是平常的路面而已。刚开始我们还屡屡惊叹,很快就都觉得乏味,各自想着心事,或者是忍受着飒飒作响的风开窗抽烟。偶尔有辆装满猪仔的卡车开过去,我才回过神来指给他看,他嘿嘿嘿嘿地笑,手一晃,半截烟灰掉在车里。没有什么可担心的,除了令人昏昏欲睡的无聊。

前一晚上我几乎是睡在残骸里,撤去床单后的席梦思与两年前搬进来时一样脏。在过去的几天里,除了收拾行李,便是在哭,眼泪随时随地掉下来,哭完了走出门去吃碗饺子。有朋友打电话来说一定要给我送行,我嘴硬说不要,有什么好送的,在这儿也只不过是无聊的两年时光。但最后还是去了,在糟糕的酒吧里喝了两杯烈酒,朋友还带着一群朋友,我都不认识,开始认真地听台上的歌手唱歌,歌手唱完了下来,给朋友的朋友们倒上啤酒,也给我倒了一杯,对我说:“妹妹,好运!”我看着他的脸就又开始哭,同时也笑,最后觉得烂透了,起身走人。居然已经有了些醉意,哭,走夜路,昏天黑地。最后,太累了,倒在席梦思上,任由日光灯明晃晃地照了整晚,也不过是睡了三个小时,就醒来。再过一会儿,小五就来了。他比我预想的来得更早些,我还来不及洗脸,也来不及对悲伤做一些掩饰。但是两个认识时间太久的人,是不是也会对彼此的悲伤稍微视而不见一点?
……

末日
撩开厚重的门帘,在看连续剧的老板娘从后面的屋子里探出身来,看到弟弟,就笑呵呵地迎出来打招呼,说这段时间都没有来吃过饺子是在忙什么呢,又说今天刚刚腌好的泡菜等等拿出来尝一下,最后把目光落到我身上说:“怎么让女朋友穿那么少啊?抖成这样,赶紧喝碗饺子汤暖暖身体。”弟弟唉唉称是,自己动手从厨房的锅子里去舀了碗饺子汤放到我面前,这幅场景,倒好像他已经在这儿住了三四年,而我却是个过路的。
一会儿,三四碟切细的泡菜已经摆出来,熬得发白的黄豆骨头汤盛在最大的碗里,满得往外溢,老板娘搬了把椅子过来,坐着与弟弟聊天,说她从隔壁一元店里买来的便宜货,还一样一样拿出来给弟弟看。很久没有与弟弟在一起待着超过一顿饭的时间,几乎要忘记他是个多么讨人喜欢的小孩,礼貌、诚实,每个星期天都会骑自行车去外婆家里,与外公下一盘象棋,吃一碗外婆做的银耳羹,这些事情都是我做不了的,他倒是觉得快乐。
我无法加入他们热闹的对话,却也并不窘迫,这会儿有弟弟在,心安理得。
弟弟要了一斤饺子,在盘子里堆得满满的,咬开时汤水差点烫到喉咙,醋很香,大蒜切细了浸在辣油里。下大雪以来的这些天,几乎没有吃过冒着热气的食物,而现在,却感觉自己的身体是一块在冰箱里冷冻过的肉,正放在厨房的水池里慢慢化开,穿在球鞋里面的脚一点点恢复知觉,膝盖刺痛,鼻子周围发烫。老板娘又倒了二两自己泡的药酒,摆在我面前,刺鼻的白酒气味和古怪的药味直冲鼻腔,她高声对我讲说喝了这个,补血!
我也跟弟弟一样笑眯眯地喝了一口,又喝了一口,又喝了一口。听他们继续聊天,却渐渐地不再知道他们在说什么,僵硬的身体全部都化开,靠在油腻的桌边,看着弟弟同样笑眯眯的脸,心想,完蛋了。然后眼泪就开始往外涌,我这样,不作声地吃完饺子,打着饱嗝,看着他们也因为暖气和酒精而发红的脸颊,哭了起来。老板娘背过身去点了根烟,弟弟靠近我,摸摸我的头发,又拍拍我的背,并没有再说话,我握着他的手腕,嘴里一个劲地说没事,没关系,眼泪则继续没有声音地往外流淌,像这几天来静悄悄的雪。
有一年,弟弟的妈妈去世了,他在我家里度过了一个寒假。那段时间里,我妈妈也休假,每天都在家里做饭,弟弟只是有一天说起过想要吃鱼,她就开始做各种各样的鱼。每天睁开眼睛,我们就看到桌子上摆着红烧的鱼,清蒸的鱼,鱼片、鱼汤,连着好多天以后,我几乎没有办法再在家里吃饭了,而弟弟不会,他总是尽心尽力地把所有的东西都吃完,他已经是个胖小孩了,还拼命吃,把肚子撑得圆滚滚,我的妈妈就坐在他的旁边,注视着他,看着他吃完盘子里所有的菜。
我总是在与妈妈吵架,痛苦万分,想要伤害自己。弟弟就安慰我,他说她只是在急着表达自己的爱,所以我们就勉强配合一下好了。
……
我做过一个非常难过的梦,就在今天弟弟还在身边的时候,我们坐在车里,路很堵,车子停滞不动,我们放着喜欢的音乐,我睡着了的那一会儿。我梦到自己在开车,旁边坐着那个人,他的膝盖上放着好大的旅行包,他从来没有坐过我的车,但是这次他要去机场,路太远,时间也只剩一点。我不断地开错路,单行道,逆行,开到错误的分岔口上,那个人只是坐着,尽管不指路,但也没有指责,我看着时间,剩下的越来越少,却还只是徒劳地在相似的道路上打转。最后我在一个宽阔的路口停下,我对那个人说,我不能送你了,没有时间了。
……

我是如何一步步毁掉我的生活的

约会的事情没有人逼我,只是有一天在与一位不算相熟的女同事闲聊时说起。她说她有个朋友,青梅竹马玩到大的,说要介绍给我。我没有推辞也没有答应。我们是午饭时间在公司隔壁的小面馆里遇见,于是不得不凑在一张桌子前喝两碗滚烫的拉面。其实都有些尴尬,但她面对冷场有种愈战愈勇的信心。
“我想起来随便问一句,你有男朋友吗?”她放下筷子,还没有等我回答,就下了定论般地说,“我那位朋友的人品我是可以打包票的。可能脾气稍微有些急躁,但也不是什么大问题。更何况他出手大方,对女孩算得上是百般照顾。”
“哦,哦。”
“他的家里人也都很好相处。过年那会儿,他妈妈给我织过条围巾。”
“他是什么星座?”我没话找话地随口问。
“这我倒是想不起来了。我这就打电话过去问。”说着她干脆彻底把碗筷推到一旁,从包里翻出手机来,立刻给她那位朋友拨过去。我望着面前那碗胀开来的面条,她则看着我身后窗外的某处。在电话接通以后,她顿了顿,声音立刻轻快地扬起来。我看着她,她一定是那种人,觉得生活中没有什么困难可言,更不会有持久的悲伤。

于是星期六的下午我竟然真的去赴约了。天气冷得很,虽然并没有真的把这件事放在心上,却还是用心打扮过,甚至为穿高跟鞋还是平底鞋而着实踌躇了一会儿。一路上我撑着把三折伞,风很大,走过一个路口时把伞吹成巨大的黑色喇叭花,我不得不紧紧握住伞,兜转着寻找风的方向,却还是被风带着往前走了两步。行人稀落,偶尔有公交车开过,雨水里面带着股挥之不去的腥味。明明是深冬,却有夏日台风季节的灾难感,像是再往前走就要走进末日的布景里。
结果我到的时候他已经坐在那儿了。天气恶劣,咖啡馆里只有寥寥几个人,所以我一眼就看到他了。他点了壶茶,正低头看书。差不多就是我想象中的模样,头发理得很短,戴眼镜,有一点胖,但还算妥帖。衬衫外面穿着深色圆领毛衣,身边的椅子上耷拉着一件人字呢大衣。
我小心翼翼地走过去,像是怕惊扰起他身边的空气。然后我在他身边站了大概两秒钟,他抬起头来,突然大惊失色般地站起来,简直要往后退去两步,倒好像我才是来自于另外一个世界似的。
“你好。”他说着,犹豫要不要伸出手来。
“你好。”我笑笑,把大衣脱下来,搭在他的大衣旁边,拉开他对面的椅子坐下来。他倒了杯热茶给我,我接过来。我们一时都不知道该说些什么,便只好齐齐地往窗外望了一会儿。咖啡馆是我找的,窗明几净,原木桌椅。平日里的客人绝不过分拥挤吵闹,却又不至冷清,正好在周围制造出一种持续的热烘烘的嗡嗡声,把每个小桌间的世界恰到好处地隔绝开来,让人很快产生与外界不再相关的幻觉。服务员是个剪着大兵头的女生,此刻她像是没有注意到我,也并不急着站起来,只是站在吧台后面怔怔地望着窗外,脸上挂着副对什么不满的表情,如往常一样。
……


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欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折
Yami
欣葉
2种选择
欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折
Yami
欣葉
2种选择
欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折
Yami
欣葉
2种选择
欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折
Yami
欣葉
2种选择
欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折
Yami
欣葉
2种选择
欣叶 御大福 芋头麻薯 180g

周销量 600+

$1.66 $1.99 83折

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