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Jingdong book

成为母亲之后

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成为母亲之后

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成为母亲之后,每个人看到你都只看到一个母亲,而不是你。
但你能看到你自己,那么清晰。
成为母亲之后,你时刻都幸福吗?你还记得爱情吗?你还留着自己吗?
★写给所有期待成为母亲/即将成为母亲/已经成为母亲的你
★突破千则分享,写到心坎里的母亲心情,
★网友零负评共鸣泪推:“谢谢你的文字说出我的孤独和纠结!”
★母亲节,送给妈妈和自己的礼物!

Content Description

你告别任性、告别自我、告别「有一天我要如何如何」的想望并且改写成「如果我的孩子接受,我可能会如何如何……」你半主动半被动地放下自我,品味着亲如枕边人也无法体会的孤独。
你不是天生就会当母亲的,只是你努力在学,你的爱是给孩子的一双翅膀,却也像是你的一副枷锁,孩子自由去飞,你从此不再自由。在你想象的世界里,会有人理解你的心酸和矛盾,而不是指责你成为母亲后却不愿意放下自己。
这本书是一份柔软又强大的祝福,只字词组间你会看到被藏起来的脆弱和孤独,看到仍然相信爱情的女孩,也会看到自己有多坚强,还有幸福。
你值得被爱,不是因为坊间流行的书上写的那种「十种特质让男人更爱你」,不是因为你会撒娇你很可爱,而是因为你为自己所做的选择而努力不懈着,你值得被爱是因为,你的努力值得尊敬!
亲爱的母亲们,你好吗?辛苦了。

Author Description

羽茜,政大社会学硕士,曾获耕莘文学奖小说类首奖。现为全职妈妈,也是亲子天下严选部落客、T博客专栏作家。

Catalogue

Chapter 1成为母亲之后

1.梦——每个标志你成为母亲的时刻
2.母亲的世界
3.伤疤
4.母亲的身体
5.资深女孩团体
6.成为母亲之后
7.老
8.母亲的关键字
9.青春
10.关于爱情
11.喧哗

Chapter 2那些孩子教我的事


1.无人知晓的夏日清晨
2.相爱容易相处难
3.孩子教我的事
4.那一天你哭了
5.孩子不睡的夜晚
6.孩子总是在你手上跌倒
7.你想象一个温柔的世界
8.属于、不属于
9.桥
10.时光
11.一个写作的人
12.在你眼里的新的城市
Chapter 3你的过去、未来和现在


1.母亲的生活
2.回顾
3.关于家庭
4.叹息
5.母亲的剩余
6.十年后的牛排
7.全职母亲的幸福与恐惧
8.半夜旅行
9.另一种人生
10.写给亲爱的你
11.祝福

Book Abstract

《成为母亲之后》:
他是一个小男孩,只会幻想自己游刃有余,总是希望另一半对他点头微笑,但当你“升级”成为母亲时,逗笑你也变得困难了。
没有人是在准备好时成为父母的,关于照顾,你比他有更多的本能勉强可以当作装备,但你疲倦时他也不知道自己该怎么办,他自知辛苦远不及你,只好遁入永远的男孩殿堂。
爱情原来是这个样子的。
发现并承认对方的脆弱和无助,正如你发现自己的一样。然后你坚强起来,在觉得自己根本一点儿力量也没有时勉强分给对方一些力量,正如你希望在你需要的时候,对方也会这样对你。
你突然了解了爱情,在排除了性和激情之后,最深刻、最让人向往的或许是那个隐藏的第二父母,那个在我们最无助最挫折、最不可爱也是最依赖人的时候,仍然表示会无条件支持我们的人,不管是不是勉为其难。
你爱上一个男人,不只因为性吸引,还因为你感觉他可以保护和包容你,就像你憧憬的那个理想的父亲。而他爱上一个女孩,是因为在她面前自己好像很行,却又不必总是很行。
……
Introduction

〈成为母亲之后〉
成为母亲之后,你才知道,很多事情,你的母亲并没有告诉你。

只是在你幼小的记忆里,你曾经隐约察觉,母亲跟你在一起并不快乐,她热爱自由、向往在职场上发挥自己的实力,但是和你在一起的时候,这些都不被允许。你缠着她、在她脚边团团转,把她困在做也做不完的三餐和家务当中,在她抱怨“因为生了小孩,所以我才不能如何如何”的时候,你也想大声抗议:“我又没有拜托你生下我!”你也想要一个全心全意爱着自己、陪伴自己时非常快乐的妈妈,可为什么她一边抱怨又一边照顾你直到长大?这一切矛盾,等到你自己成为母亲,你才终于懂了。

懂了,但也不是全部,或许只是得窥一二,在你也被自己的孩子绑着哪里都去不得的时候,你才突然明白,连你这样一个没有太大野心、只抱着一个在家写作的梦想的宅女,偶尔都会觉得无法独处、无法出门是一个不小的心理负荷,那对于能力不输给男人的母亲来说,结婚生子后工作和个人发展都受限,心里不知道多么挣扎痛苦。

在你自己成为母亲之后,你才明白,“母亲”一词就像如来佛套在孙悟空头上的紧箍咒一样,这么一套下去,哪怕你是再好动、顽强的一只泼猴,都从此逃不出如来佛的掌心。你的母亲身份就是那个咒语,你对孩子怀着的那种先天的爱,后天的种种性别、角色的束缚,就是最无边的法力。在有了孩子以后,你回想自己曾经有过的自由,这才明白,你“曾经”很自由。

于是你开始劝你那些还未生小孩的朋友,不管她们单身、已婚或离婚都一样,你想告诉她们这世界上最伟大的感情不是爱情,最让人心烦、也最让人幸福到心酸的不是男人,最能束缚你的不是工作,威力最强大的、能够把你的生活搞得天翻地覆的,是你对孩子的那份亲情。

很多事情,光看脸书上为人父母的朋友的分享,是不会懂的。

你从她们和丈夫孩子的幸福合照上,看到的是她们生活的光彩,看不见她们生活的低谷,更不可能想象在有孩子之后,生活的高低起伏会上下得如此频繁。每一天,身为母亲的人就像在大海上掌舵,她的婚姻是否依然幸福,她的孩子是否能在快乐的气氛中长大,全看她个性够不够成熟,性情够不够稳重,能不能抓紧家庭这一艘小舟,不让它在现实的大海里迷失。是的,现实,也是在生了孩子之后,你才懂得什么叫作现实。

现实是,你有再好的能力、再多的抱负,也未必有那相对的运气,在请完产假后保住你原本在职场上的位置。就算你有那运气好了,你重返职场后不见得能够加班,你的孩子不见得能找到二十四小时让人放心托付的保姆(哪怕是自己的父母或公婆),就算你放心、也说服自己放手交给别人照顾,只要接近下班时间,你的心就不在办公室了。

……

你很爱你的孩子,因为这份爱,你才发现妈妈是一份工作却也不是一份工作,如果在工作上遇到这样的“同工不同酬”,男人只要做一点点就有很高的报酬,而你没有,恐怕早已经跳起来大叫“性别不平等”准备离职了。

你每天早上被孩子的哭闹叫起床,脸都来不及洗,先帮他洗屁屁、喂奶喂早餐,像陀螺一样团团转得直到傍晚才想起来自己未曾洗脸,你蓬头垢面,却还记得带孩子出门时要帮他穿得漂亮帅气。

这是工作,早上上工,深夜,孩子难得连睡的几个小时,你在睡梦中勉强算是下班。

但这也不是工作,因为你抱着他,捏捏他的小手亲亲他的额头,看他喝奶那样满足(尽管你喂得相当痛苦),你就忘了什么叫作“报酬”,什么叫作“公平”。你想跟男人分一半工作,好男人会愿意,但是你在分给他那一半时心总是悬着的。你才明白,在职场上无论你曾经多热爱工作,都不能跟母亲这个角色相比。

这个角色让你满满地投入爱与恨,你爱孩子,偶尔也不得不感觉到,你恨这个角色给你的束缚。

你不能自由地当一个自己想象中的那种妈妈,你只是平凡人,你的勇气不够,所以只要有人质疑“你这样能带好他吗?”你就害怕,好像准备被评鉴一样先来个最严格的自我检视。成为母亲之后各种好意或不怀好意的质疑何其多,再说一次这并不是工作,因为工作上被评鉴过后,你至少可以暂时松一口气。

当母亲就没有松口气的时候了。昨天他还好好的,当今天他突然发烧、突然不吃饭、突然会打架会咬人时,你就开始质疑自己是否错了,这些是孩子的自然发展,还是你就像其他人说的——没把他带好?

因为你很爱很爱他,所以你很在乎他。你希望孩子健康快乐,但是,也因为你知道这一切不全然操之在你,他有他的个性、体质、命运,那些你无从掌握的因素,也让你害怕了。

孩子,妈妈希望你幸福快乐。每天,你对着你信仰的神低声祈祷,忘记了曾经,你追求的是自己的幸福快乐。

……

同是女人,要到生了孩子之后,你才能明白什么是身为女人的恐惧,什么叫作为了维系婚姻而兢兢业业。在还没有孩子时,即使结婚也可以“你不爱我我就走”,在有了孩子之后,即使知道“单亲总比烂丈夫强”,还是会有更多的恐惧、更多的顾虑。你和你那些分享幸福合照的脸书朋友都属于幸运儿,还有一些不那么幸运的,生了孩子才发现爱错也嫁错了人。

你爱你的男人,所以你等,等他成熟,等他发现你很累终于知道怎么扮演父亲和丈夫的角色。而你的男人也爱你,所以他学,他忍耐你被产后荷尔蒙绑架所以高低起伏的情绪,他放下大男人的骄傲,承认关于孩子,有太多事情他不懂。

有些哭笑不得的是,你爱他,所以你等他“进入状况”,他也爱你,但他等的是你“恢复原样”。

……

像一场大梦,过去二三十年的自己,竟然只是几个月过去,就遥远得像是做过一次彻底的告别了。

你告别任性、告别自我、告别“有一天我要如何如何”的向往并且将之改写成“如果我的孩子接受,我可能会如何如何……”你半主动半被动地放下自我,品味着亲如枕边人也无法体会的孤独。

……

生儿育女,拥有一个幸福的家庭绝对不是一件单靠幸运就能实现的事,你现在拥有这些是因为你很努力,你长大了,照顾好了自己的小孩还撑起了一个家,你不再是那个仰望父母的小孩,你真的是大人了。

你值得被爱,不是因为坊间流行的书上写的“十种特质让男人更爱你”,不是因为你会撒娇你很可爱,而是因为你为自己做出了选择而你努力不懈,你值得被爱是因为你的努力值得尊敬。

成为母亲之后,每个人看你都只看见一个母亲,而不是你。

但你能看见了你自己,那么清晰。

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Brand Origin China

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Jingdong book