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Jingdong book

父母这样做,就是在毁掉孩子

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用实际行为给孩子树立了坏榜样

与孩子做"隐性交易"

借着教育孩子发泄情绪

把孩子当宠物养

教育理念简单化、绝对化

只看到孩子的成绩和外在表现

把"负面刺激"当激励

先天养育环境就存在问题

父母们,警惕您的行为对孩子造成长久伤害!

因为无知,爱孩子成了害孩子,或因为自己没有受过良好的养育,带着原生家庭的创伤,家长往往会做出一些伤害孩子、甚至给孩子一生带来不利影响的举动,而且还没有觉察。

积极心理治疗专家曲韵老师,以近十年专业个体治疗和家庭治疗经验为基础,帮家长总结出可能"毁掉孩子"的近50种举动,从心理学的角度分析这些举动可能对孩子造成的长久伤害,以及我们家长会这么做的深层心理原因,再给出针对性的改善方案。有反思,有警醒,有分析,有指导,有行动,对家长来说,这是一本极其实用又有深度的家庭养育与亲子关系指南。


Author Description

曲韵,北京新世纪儿童医院心理门诊专家,积极心理治疗中心(中国)主任、首席专家,德国总部认证的积极心理治疗师。2010年独创的"家长角色"模型获世界积极心理治疗大会创新奖。

拥有近10年的家庭问题诊断治疗经验,一对一治愈率100%。中央电视台《心理访谈》特约嘉宾、《嘉人》杂志心理访谈专家、《健康之友》特约专家,中央人民广播电台"都市之声"特邀专家。曾在中组部、外交部、中国电信、中国银行等企事业单位进行各类讲座、工作坊数百场。


Catalogue

索引父母们一定要警惕的言和行

前言父母们,小心您的习惯行为对孩子造成长久伤害

第一章用实际行为给孩子树立了坏榜样

不恰当的日常行为

不幸福、不和谐的婚姻关系

不良的社会交往方式

狭隘、不健康的生活方式

不正确的处理冲突的方式

第二章与孩子做"隐形交易"

为鼓励孩子完成任务而奖励其他东西

因孩子不听话而惩罚其他不相关的东西

把爱和养育当作一种投资

工作忙不能陪孩子,用物质来补偿

第三章借着教育孩子发泄情绪

冷暴力比打孩子更伤人

把孩子当"出气筒"

把讲道理变成了说教和唠叨

把传授变成了命令

把恐慌和焦虑转嫁给孩子

不停地抱怨孩子

用贬低、蔑视和嘲讽击碎孩子的自尊心

第四章把孩子当宠物养

给孩子"特殊待遇"

让孩子时刻成为大家的焦点

不忍心"苦"了、"亏"了孩子

轻易原谅和袒护孩子

总是可怜孩子

把孩子当宠物,逗弄孩子

第五章教育理念简单化、绝对化

孩子是不禁夸的

好孩子是夸出来的

孩子就是要散养

孩子越早"自立"越独立

家长永远"伟光正"

第六章只看到孩子的成绩和外在表现

要求孩子走自己认定的道路

总拿孩子跟别人比较

唯成绩和外在表现至上,忽视孩子本人

忽略孩子的感受和想法

不由分说地拒绝孩子

用道歉压制孩子的真实需求

第七章把"负面刺激"当激励

用威胁的话逼孩子就范

动不动就指责和训斥

用贬低或挖苦来反激孩子

假装抛弃孩子

羞辱孩子

用质问的语气逼迫孩子

第八章先天养育环境的内在问题

从小不在父母身边长大

排行老大

排行最小

排行中间

家中只有两个孩子

身为"独生子女"

身为"富二代"

身为"官二代"

知识分子家庭的孩子

寄宿的孩子

单亲家庭的孩子

第九章挽救我们自己和被我们毁掉的孩子

情绪化的、以个人感受为核心的一类人

神经大条、机器人似的一类人

摇摆不定、内心纠结不清的一类人

后记


Book Abstract

不恰当的日常行为

我们每个人都有自己独特的生活习惯、态度和行为方式,有的人追求整洁,有的人喜欢随意,有的人喜欢热闹,有的人喜欢安静,有的人喜欢冒险,有的人喜欢安逸等等。每个人的生活怎么过,都有各自的追求。这个无可厚非。但是,父母的这些日常行为自然也会影响到孩子的行为习惯,这时候问题出现了:父母一味地去纠正孩子的不良行为,却不知道自己就是这些不良行为的始作俑者;父母一边在不断地给孩子灌输主流价值观,一边却背道而驰地我行我素。


只管教孩子,不约束自己

一位妈妈跟我抱怨说:"我家儿子都12岁了,还是丢三落四,自己的东西转眼间就找不到了。我跟他说过多少遍自己要整理好自己的东西,他就是做不到,真让我犯愁啊!还有,他的东西回到家就随手乱放,弄得家里总是乱七八糟的……为此,我常常跟孩子发生冲突,因为孩子处好出于青春期,对我的管教更加叛逆,这让我和儿子的关系降到了冰点,甚至都影响到他在家学习的积极性。"

我问她:"你和你丈夫有这种状况吗?"她愣了愣,有点不好意思地说:"我也常常丢三落四。他爸爸也是进门后东西随手一放。可是我们对重要的东西还是收放得很好的。而我儿子常常把学习的资料、课本弄得到处都是,找不到的时候就大呼小叫地让我帮忙找,每次清早上学都弄得过于紧张,甚至气呼呼地就出门了。"这位妈妈面对我提出的她和丈夫的自身行为问题轻描淡写。其实她儿子的问题很大程度上是受到两位家长的习惯长期影响的结果。

我后来给她提了一个建议,让她在家里开展一个全家人一起参与的活动,就是不管是谁,如果东西乱放就把这个物品扔进一个箱子锁起来,一个星期以后才可以申请取出。孩子大人一视同仁,不管这件物品多么重要。听到这个建议,这位妈妈犹豫了,"不行啊,他爸爸肯定不行。手机乱放锁起来怎么办?"这其实就是很多父母都面临的问题:我们自己的生活习惯不改变,却要求孩子改变。

……

◢对孩子的长久伤害

现在不少父母往往看不到自身的问题,甚至意识到了却不愿意改变自己,只一味地要求孩子做出改变。比如,我们总在要求孩子去学习,别看电视,别玩游戏,但自己却玩得不亦乐乎;我们总在要求孩子要喜欢阅读,自己却连碰都不想碰那些束之高阁的书,甚至家里都没有自己可以看的书。这种很日常的行为看似小事,长期下去却会给孩子造成一定的影响:

1)加剧了孩子对家里地位的不公平感--大人就可以做,小孩就不可以做!

2)让孩子很迷惑,因为不知道所谓正确的行为到底是什么样子。

3)让孩子对父母的权威性产生很大的质疑。

4)让孩子更加叛逆和不服。


◢我们为什么会这样?

不少父母都在为孩子身上的各种问题而苦恼,但实际上孩子的这些问题很大程度上反映了父母自身的问题,而反映在父母身上的这些同样的问题在我们自己看来似乎就不成问题了。要想改变孩子,父母们首先需要好好反思一下自己,我们为什么会这样呢?原因可能有以下几个方面:

1)权威心态。很多父母觉得,我是家长,我自己怎么样用不着你来管,但我是你爸/妈,你就得听我的。

2)落寞心态或寄希望于孩子。很多父母觉得自己的不良习惯已经根深蒂固大半辈子了,真正改起来太难了。自己已经大半辈子过去了,再多的改变也不能带来什么好处了,但孩子还小,养成好习惯一生受益匪浅。

3)懒。要改掉多年的习惯,是不容易的。我们自己知道不对,却已经没有足够的动机或者外界的督促去改正了。


◢我们应该怎么做?

1)想改变孩子,先改变自己。孩子是上天赐给我们的礼物,因为,"为了孩子",是一个非常强有力的理由和动机。

2)从自身做起。当你希望孩子改变不好的行为习惯时,首先改变自己和家人的行为,这样才有理由来说服孩子,孩子参与改变也才会心服口服。

3)在家里制定好"家庭规则"。比如各自把自己的物品收拾好,如果有惩罚也一视同仁,奖惩分明;比如规定晚上的7点到8点是全家的阅读时间等等。


小贴士制定家庭规则的艺术

1)家庭成员全部参与,听取各自的意见和建议。

2)规则要考虑到所有人的权利和义务,家长没有任何特权。

3)规则不能朝令夕改,不能只对一个人放宽条件。

4)规则的增加和减少需要所有人的一致同意。

5)定期对规则的执行情况就行评估,奖惩分明。


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Brand Jingdong book
Brand Origin China

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