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知心书.第二辑:从自我苛求中解放出来

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“我需要别人喜欢我,我不可以让人失望……”
“我必须不断*,让别人高兴……”
“我必须成功,才配得上我所在的位置……”
……
总有这样一个苛求的声音,对我们不断要求和勒索。
这个声音曾经保护和支持过我们的心灵,
我们的生命受益于此,也受困于此。
自我苛求是生命活力的囹圄,
我们需要找出这个苛求声音的源头,
在心理咨询师的指导下,直视它,与它对话,
直到它从我们的心灵上松脱。
——是时候从自我苛求中解放出来了!
——今天的读者生活在竞争更加激烈、对成功要求更高的社会环境中,必须更优秀、更完美,所以,也更容易成为“自我苛求”的牺牲品,所以更迫切需要去除“自我苛求”的负面影响,以获得更好的生活质量,活得更加舒展、更具幸福感和尊严。
Content Description

严苛的自我要求有时候能使人进步,有时又会给人压力,如何解决这种矛盾?这种强迫我们行为的自我批评之声,如何掌控它?如何摆脱它?
这本书正是为了解决这个问题而写就,法国著名心理咨询师弗雷德里克?方热凭借自己多年的心理治疗经验,针对“自我苛求”这一人性痼疾,结合丰富的心理咨询经验独创了行之有效的心理自助方法,一定能够将你从“自我苛求”中解脱出来,使你获得更富创造力和幸福感的生命体验!
Author Description

弗雷德里克·方热(Frédéric Fanget),精神科医生、心理治疗师,任教于法国里昂*大学,著有《医治受伤的自信》(Oser. Thérapie de la confiance en soi)等广受欢迎的畅销书。弗雷德里克?方热是人称“综合型”的治疗师,实实在在地帮助人们通过行为疗法来改变自己,通过认知疗法来理解自己,利用存在和冥想疗法来追求自己的人生意义。
Catalogue

第一章 解放自己的方法
不能把自己简单等同于一种缺陷或疾病 5
痛苦与美德 8
硬币的正反两面 11
如何摆脱自己设定的人生准则 14
驯服内心自我批评的声音 14
第二章 内心的声音:窥探精神世界的一扇窗
内心的声音,我们的精神电台 18
内心自我批评的声音,令人喘不过气来 26
第三章 我理解自己:如何完成认知概念化
成为自己的同盟 33
过高的要求 33
概念化 43
第四章 摆脱自己的人生准则
倾听内心自我批评的声音,意识到它的负面影响 55
害怕自己做不到 56
苛求,生命难以承受之重 69
第五章 摆脱幼年的认知模式
Book Abstract

《痛苦与美德》
我之所以想写这本书,是为了告诉大家,那些我们最重视的、所认同的东西以及我们的价值观和美德,有时候正是这些东西束缚了我们。
这个说法可能在你看来简直像天方夜谭,或许大大出乎你的意料。我想说的意思是,令你痛苦的那些东西,也是你本身的一部分,是你为之自豪的,使你之所以成为你的东西。
我要告诉你,你必须挣脱自己最珍视最宝贵的东西,如果你真的想得到自由。
为什么要求你这样做?为什么劝你放弃在你看来最重要的东西?我是如何得出这样的结论的?
多年来,我在治疗中花很多时间将病患与其内心的声音——你知道,就是我们内心深处那个听不见却又无时无刻不在的声音——之间的斗争具体以对话的形式记录下来。
这个内心的声音时时刻刻在批评你,很多时候它其实是过去某个责备的声音在回荡,在这一重消极的声音背后,还有一重积极的声音在对你说: “好好做事,你会为你自己感到骄傲,还会得到别人的欣赏。 ”
这个内心的声音一面鞭策着你,一面折磨着你。你听从这个声音的指引,因为你已经试过,当你按照它说的那样做,完美地完成一件事情时,你就感到自豪,并且赢得旁人青眼相加。
可是当这个声音显得太强硬、太咄咄逼人和不留余地的时候,它让你很痛苦,让你觉得自己一无是处,你所取得的结果达不到自己设定的要求。这个声音只不过是把你给自己设定的人生准则反过来加之于你,并牵着你的鼻子走。
那些曾经关注我的书的读者可能已经看出来,这个是我研究的重点之——完美主义。完美主义本身并没有什么好坏,而且对于提升自己的价值感、与他人相处以及良好地规划人生来说,完美主义非常有用。我在《好上加好! 完美主义心理学》一书中说过,当完美主义如同暴君一般为所欲为时,它也可以变得极其有害。完美主义者有些时候会过度吹毛求疵、谨小慎微。他们对自己要求过高,无法容忍自己的任何缺陷。当然,除了“人应该完美无缺”之外,我还可以举出另一些人生准则的例子,比如安娜。后面我们将谈到她。安娜不懂如何拒绝,她的人生准则是“永远要让别人高兴” 。她觉得“别人比自己重要” ,所以她不断地答应做一些其实她根本不愿意做的事情,比如接受别人的邀请,同意和别人的午餐,她自己事务繁杂、忙不过来,还答应帮学生修改博士论文。她来我的诊所时,显得对自己非常生气,说: “我受够了,医生,我受够了这个样子,总是想讨好别人。我总是把他们看得比我自己还重要。 ”很快,安娜意识到这种想法来源于自己的过去。在治疗过程中,我们引导她去理解,这个想法给她的生活带来很多麻烦,但同时也造就了她的价值。安娜是个讨人喜欢、乐于助人,倾听别人的要求的人。利他主义是安娜非常看重的一种价值,这是她的美德。大家都知道她值得信赖,欣赏她。 “永远要让别人高兴”这个想法是在安娜童年时期就形成的,逐渐变成了她的一种好品质。这一点她自己知道,她明白。即使这种“要让别人高兴”的自我要求在过分的时候让安娜气急,因为觉得自己过于迁就别人,自身价值感降低,但是她也知道,由于她乐于倾听别人的要求,这也给她带来了很多,使她成为了一个非常受欢迎的人。
作为一名心理治疗师,我有幸遇到很多人,治疗过各种不同类型的病例,今天我提出这个观念,我们每个人都像是一枚硬币,有正反两面,有消极的一面也有积极的一面,两者不可分割,共同组成一个完整的人。
……
Introduction

生活中的境遇并不总是使人满意,经常令我们痛苦不安。我们倾向于相信自己的不幸源于工作上、伴侣关系和家庭中遇到的问题。当然,我们的遭遇以及我们和他人的关系是相关因素,却不是唯一的决定因素。还有一个因素影响着我们看待自身境况的方式,即我们对它的感知。
其实,我们的种种苦恼,或者说其中一部分, 往往和我们如何看待/理解自己所经历的状况有关。这些理解常常是错误的,来自于我们内心某种微弱的声音,这个声音不间断地评论着我们的一举一动,也就是我们内心自我批评的声音。这个秘密电台时时刻刻钳制着我们的行为:
“要被别人喜爱、欣赏。要成功。你应该表现得有意思,值得关注,清晰流畅地表达自己,有问必答,在这个男人面前展现你的女性魅力和智慧,像个无所不能的女超人,在这个女人面前展现你的男人本色,风趣幽默,懂得逗她开心”,诸如此类。实际上,诸如此类“必须达到”的要求对应着我们给自己设定的种种法则,我们屈从于这些法则,却从来都没想过它们是否适用于我们正在经历的境况,而这些它们正是我们生活中很大一部分苦恼的根源。
在认知疗法中,这些我们强加于自己的严苛要求被成为“人生准则”。人要往前走,这些准则当然有其用处,促使我们进步,自我反省,发挥潜能。
然而,当这些人生准则变得过于刻板甚至粗暴,制定的目标不可企及或无法实现的时候,我们会痛苦不堪,觉得自己总是有所不足,达不到对自己的要求。这些准则在不知不觉中指导着我们的人生。缺乏灵活性的个人准则最终可能导致我们活得很失败。
此书的目的就是帮你从这个恶性循环中解放出来,从这个你无意识走入的死胡同里逃脱出来。如何才能解放自己?
首先,帮助你意识到内心自我批评的声音的存在,这个声音像是若隐若现却又持续不断的电台,你如此习惯于听到这个声音以至于再也意识不到它的存在。然而,如果我们停下来仔细倾听内心,这个噪音就会越来越清晰。
倾听这个声音,更好地理解它,意识到这个苛刻的声音对你造成的压迫感,这是将自己解放出来的第一步。
接下来,我们必须意识到,这个声音渗透到了我们生活的方方面面:工作、私人生活、家庭生活、友情、运动、社交,无所不在。它说:“来吧,超越你自己!不行,你很清楚你做不到,算了吧,没必要。”
这样我们才能认识到,这种来自内心身处的自我批评的声音是我们犹豫不决、抑郁迟缓或焦虑不安的源头。
为了更好地摆脱这种声音,本人的决心是必不可少的。这种声音是在什么情况下出现的?它往往出现得很早,在幼年就已经出现,而且必然有其原因。比如阿德里亚娜,她就是因为出生于一个贫困的东欧家庭,小时候没有条件读书,所以会给自己定下一个必须拼命奋斗的目标。而安娜不懂拒绝,害怕伤害别人或者想讨好别人。卡特琳娜则是想变得像别人一样,因为她从小就觉得自己跟别人不同,像一个异类。塞巴斯蒂安不惜一切代价想要表现得自己配得上,其实他内心深深地怀疑自己。
这些都是真实的个案,为了保护他们的隐私,在此隐去了他们真实的身份。他们代表了生活中几种常见的自我苛求的类型。他们的故事将帮助你更好地理解你自己,同时也会告诉你,改变是可能的。
当你能够分辨出自己内心的自我批判的声音——这个内心深处最为私密的声音——并且意识到这个声音给你的生活带来的损害,当你在自己的人生经历中找到了这个声音的源头,你就有办法好好面对这个声音,回应它并摆脱它,然后才能享受生命中最重要的一切美好。
我邀请你,邀请阅读这本书的人,与我一同踏上这条自我发现和自我改变的道路。
在本书中,我希望展示给各位如何通过对自己内心声音的探寻来分析生活中大大小小的各种问题。在书的第一部份,我将阐释几个相关的主要概念,接着分析内心的声音在每个人的生活中通常会起到什么样的作用。通过反复思考,通过分析内心的声音在那些情况最严重的患者身上是如何加重其病情的,我明白了很多问题。这些患者向我敞开心扉,倾诉了他们的秘密。他们进一步丰富和提高了我的思考模式和对临床病例的概念化——认知概念化是用更深层的方式理解一个人的问题。我将在本书中对这些案例进行深入讨论。
在讨论过程中,我将使用多个实际案例来进行进一步解释这种疗法。每个人都可以通过学习掌握基本的治疗方法。其实,每个人都是另一个人——朋友、亲近的人或者家人——的心理医生。一般来说,我们比较胜任做别人的心理医生而不擅长做自己的心理医生。我还会在书中介绍几种很有效的实用方法,在帮助你倾听别人的同时也帮助你理解你自己。

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