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Jingdong book

情感依附:为何家会影响我的一生

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情感依附:为何家会影响我的一生

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《情感依附:为何家会影响我的一生》的成果也是对传统的教育子女的知识的重大颠覆。传统的知识来自一些个体的经验,那些经验没有经过任何科学程序检验就被奉为金科玉律,所以害人匪浅,流毒时间也以百年千年计。而这《情感依附:为何家会影响我的一生》却来自精密设计的科学计划,所以得出的结论配得上我们的敬重和信任。
Author Description

亨利·马西(Henry Massie),医学博士,在加利福尼亚州伯克利市执业的精神科医生,并在旧金山市加州大学医学院任教。同时也是一位杰出的研究者,在母亲-婴儿的互动模式、母婴关系对婴儿情绪发展的影响等相关领域做出了卓越贡献。国际著名的研究“依附关系”的学者。

内森·塞恩伯格(Nathan Szajnberg),医学博士,在加利福尼亚州伯克利市执业的精神科医生,并在旧金山市加州大学医学院任教,同时担任沃勒斯坦研究基金精神分析方向的研究者,致力于精神分析方向的儿童精神病学和儿童发展的长程研究。
Comments

这是一项伟大的、人性化的探索之旅,是对人生命历程发展的注解。这本书就像一部交响乐一样,不同的主题出现、消散、重新出现、扩展和再次呈现。这本书我读了两次,它改变了我。
——史黛拉·阿克朗 伦敦婴儿精神卫生中心主任

这是一项了不起的成功。书中包含了大量的访谈、心理测试,以及母婴互动的影像材料。每个参与者的资料都经过完善的整理,并以如此清晰的方式呈现,使这本书读起来像一本赏心悦目的小说。
——克莱特·奇兰 巴黎大学医学院教授

如果你是父母或准父母,读读这本《情感依附》,可以让你此后的三十年善待自己,也可以让你的孩子善待你和他自己。我们所需要的,是这本书给我们的立体的知识:是什么、为什么,以及怎么做。
——曾奇峰 中德心理医院副主任医师

对于为人父母的高度、深度,确实是只有看到了自己,才能看到孩子;而且,其中需要清晰的长远的“看”,着眼于未来,预留成长的空间。不论是指导养育孩子,还是学习研究与干预的技术,本书都给我们传递了至关紧要的秘诀:爱与耐心的凝视。
——吴和鸣 中国地质大学(武汉)应用心理学 研究所副教授

从《情感依附》中,我们听到了很多孩子的心声,也看到了很多父母在养育孩子的过程中的成功与失误,只要用心去读,相信这本书会给父母和临床心理工作的同事提供很好的借鉴。
——李小龙 武汉市心理医院副主任医师

Catalogue

中文版导言
中文版序
前言
第一章 成功者们
尼古拉斯
塔蒂亚娜
其他成功案例
成功的基石
成功儿童的父母
三个层面的母婴互动
难以效仿的行为?
影响儿童发展的四个因素

第二章 童年痛苦的外化
弗朗克——“我想做好,但是我做不到”
达夫娜——就像被发射的、焦躁不安的陀螺
凯文——一张黏性的网
法利——家暴父亲的“坏种”
坎迪斯——“我想到最不爽的事,就是我自己
查克——具有强迫性的母亲,温和友好的父亲
诊断和神经系统的关系
父母与孩子之间的依附问题
症状的转化

第三章 童年痛苦的内化
诺兰——自我贬低和“深深的孤独”
乌拉——自恋的孩子
蕊娜——“一种复杂的爱”
推论

第四章 无法实现的承诺
奥斯卡——当死亡是童年的一部分
奥利弗——另一个姐妹
发展不如预期的8人组

第五章 超出预期
丹尼——“我非常顺应”
瑞巴——“恨,让你受伤更多”
发展超出预期的7人组

第六章 家庭的重要性
附录
研究方法和量表
后记
参考文献
Book Abstract

1963年,当西尔维娅·布洛迪和西德尼·阿克塞尔拉德开始性格演化的研究时,他们问参与项目的家长们对新生儿最大的期望是什么,大部分家长都回答希望他们成长为快乐和成功的人。在1994年,我们问已是成年人的这些孩子们,世界上什么带给他们未来最大的幸福,他们几乎总是说:养育一个家庭,培养出满足、自信和有能力的孩子。因此,尽管经过了一代人的变迁——这期间,许多男性更加积极地参与到孩子们的生活中,许多女性更多地投身家庭以外去获得成就,这在从前都是男性所追求的——人们关注的核心仍然是他们后代的福祉。然而,正如父辈的艰苦跋涉一样,问题依然在于:你如何从这里到达那里。
养育孩子仍然是生活的基本旅程之一。母亲和父亲应该如何对待他们的孩子,才能使他们对孩子的愿望成为现实?这样的困境折磨着哪怕最坚强的父母。有大量的建议、研究和书籍都在探讨给孩子多少满足和纪律,以及这两种方式会分别带来怎样不同的结果,这些问题意味着我们文化非常关注究竟如何能给年轻一代最好的东西。儿童精神病学家都了解,父母在抚养孩子的问题上非常担忧,因为即使他们的孩子没有症状,他们也会寻求帮助。他们经常来咨询,仅仅只是因为焦虑他们和孩子在一个比过去有更多刺激、更少结构和权威的混乱社会里应该怎么过。
本章描述的3个男人和4个女人,作为成年人的他们过着很充实的人生。他们的经历揭示了父母是如何使孩子过上这种生活的。从76个被试的大组里选出7个人构成了这个小组,父母在他们的童年早期是做得最好的——对孩子有同理心、投入、关心、有条理、亲切、有回应。30年后的现在,他们在这群被试里是生活得最好的。我们这么说,并不意味着他们成名或者富有,而是他们获得了一些非常重要的东西,那些都是良好生活的基本构成要素。他们风度翩翩,令人愉快,目前没有经历情绪上的痛苦(虽然有两位受益于过去的心理治疗),工作成功,关心他人的生活,婚姻幸福。我们将让他们的生活来告诉我们,并去聆听父母和孩子的真心话。在如何抚养好孩子这条路上,我们相信他们展现了某些基本的东西。不过,没有任何父母是完美的,也没有什么生活是完全免
……
Introduction

有一门学科叫“父母”
一个人从出生时剪断脐带的那一刻起,就独立而完整地拥有了自己的身体。这意味着,在未来的所有岁月里,你身体的全部感受与运动、器官的生长与老化,以及大限到来时的灰飞烟灭,都只是你一个人的事情,与他人无关。
到目前为止,我们还无法把你的身体疼痛通过电缆、光纤或其他任何方式传递给他人,让他人也能感受到你疼痛的性质和强度。所以,虽然独立拥有自己的身体是一件无与伦比的进化的杰作,但也需要付出承受孤独的代价。
如果人与人之间仅仅如此隔离,那活着就是一件相当无趣的事情了;不过更有可能的是,连无趣都感觉不到。但是,好在造物主造人,不会使他们之间没有链接,也不会放弃由链接导致的宏大而和谐的美感。造物主制造的这个链接其实非常强大,它的名字叫做情感。
你的身体疼痛的确不能引起他人的身体疼痛,但却可以引起他人的“心痛”。所有活着的人,都曾经心痛过自己爱着的人的所有的痛,有些时候甚至比痛着的当事人还要痛。这种心痛的感觉,就是由情感的通道制造出来的。
再回到出生。婴儿的身体跟母亲永久地分开了,但情感依附还在。婴儿对母亲的情感依附,重要到跟空气和食物一样,生死攸关。随着婴儿慢慢长大,对母亲的情感依附次第减少。我们甚至可以说,成长的过程,就是在情感上远离母亲的过程。
我在临床中发现,在中国文化圈内,母亲跟孩子的关系有两点值得高度关注。一是孩子的成长速度远远高于母亲的预估,所以母亲对孩子的能力有相当大的贬低和成见。担心、指责、怀疑和失望,充斥在母亲跟孩子的关系中。经过投射性认同机制,孩子们为了维持与母亲的情感链接,避免分离、抛弃和被抛弃,需要把自己的方方面面都弄得一塌糊涂,才对得起母亲潜意识的“希望”,也才能够继续跟母亲“在一起”。以如此惨烈的方式爱母亲,实在令人唏嘘不已。
另一个值得关注的是,母亲为了做母亲,在人格上准备不足,具体的表现之一就是缺乏信任能力,缺乏信任孩子的能力。孩子是否值得被信任,就跟大地和天空是否值得被信任是同样的事情:一个普通人,绝不会走在大街上就随时担心天塌地陷,但是,一个刚刚在地震中逃生的人,却会觉得任何地面都有危险,我们知道,这是因为他暂时地“病了”。

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