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KingStone

【繁體】我們總是用惡毒的話傷害最在乎的人:本想表達關心,為何總讓彼此傷心?互相傷害的背後,其實是兩顆脆弱的心

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【繁體】我們總是用惡毒的話傷害最在乎的人:本想表達關心,為何總讓彼此傷心?互相傷害的背後,其實是兩顆脆弱的心

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本想表達關心,但為何總讓彼此傷心?
原來是因為這些我們渾然不知傷了人的話語:

◎「畢業幾年了?寫給老闆的報告還這樣亂七八糟,你一定沒整理過……」
◎「這種事還需要我提醒?你根本不在乎我。」
◎「教過多少次還一直做錯,你會用腦子嗎?」
◎「為什麼老是這麼不聽勸,不像你姊姊……」
◎「反正我再怎麼努力,你們還是覺得我不行啦!」

你也常說這些話嗎?對主管、部屬、父母、子女、伴侶……
明明想要善待自己重視的人,卻容易為一些雞毛蒜皮的小事吵起來。
然後用惡毒的話告訴對方 :
「反正怎麼講你也是不懂啦!」、「你根本不重視我,你只在乎……」、
「你為什麼老是這樣?」、「這種事還要教?你本來就應該……」
到底,我們該如何和身邊的人,建立彼此關愛而非互相傷害的關係?

本書作者心屋仁之助為日本知名的心理諮商師和暢銷書作家。
也曾因不懂如何與親愛的人相處,而失去一段婚姻,
但在投入心理諮商領域後他發現,正因為彼此親近,才容易在溝通中互相傷害;
所以關鍵不在對話本身,而是理解話中背後的原因與後續如何應對。

◎明明關心對方,為什麼總是互相傷害?
‧脫口說出惡毒的話,因為我要你在乎我。
人都太希望被了解。但世間沒有「因為你重視我,所以你一定懂我」的道理。
我們總是因為不好意思說:對我好一點。於是好生氣。

‧你的關心,為什麼對方感受不到?
為對方著想的心情,或是你自己的心情,得開口說,而不是開口罵:
「為什麼你每次都……」;對方一定回嗆:我哪有「每次」。
對伴侶的愛,「不想跟你出門(逛街、運動、應酬),不是因為討厭你了,而是
覺得跟你窩在家裡更舒服。」
對孩子的期許。當子女說:「辦不到啦,反正我再怎麼努力你也是不滿意」,
真心話可能是「我說我做不到,不是因為懶,而是害怕失敗。」
‧多數人以為的真心話,衝口而出卻很傷人。你會說真心話嗎?

◎都是「我以為」惹的禍──公司裡的人際關係:
‧他一定是瞧不起我、他一定是不喜歡我、他一定覺得我成不了大事……
公司裡頭最常出現的判斷,莫過於「他一定是如何如何……」
你得知道該如何不傷自尊的求證。
‧「這還用我說嗎?」「這還要我教?」「爸媽沒教嗎?」說這種話其實很糟蹋人,
你該怎麼回應可以重獲尊重?
不經意說了這種話,你知道人會立刻產生敵意嗎?

◎最常彼此傷害的,最難離開──父母子女關係:
‧人多半會為了保護自己而學會不再期待。
「反正我做什麼你們都不會稱讚我」、「反正沒人會相信我」、「反正我就是不受
歡迎」……很多人因為不想受傷,學會不再期待。
‧面對過分的爸媽,你就當個過分的孩子。
小時候形成的「反正」、「一定」,長大後會透過工作或與伴侶的關係爆發出來,
所以,你要勇敢告訴父母:「其實我希望你們可以這樣對我說……。」

◎只要一句話,讓彼此不再互相傷害:
‧「很多事,因為他沒經歷過」,所以,你會原諒他的不懂。
‧「哎,算了」,這句話代表你比較高明,所以會選擇原諒。
‧「就算……那又會怎樣呢?」原本認為是問題的問題,都會消失。

正因為和在乎的人太過親近,所以才會傷害彼此。
但請相信:互相傷害的背後,其實是兩顆脆弱的心。
而每次爭執,都是我們更認識自己與對方的契機

目錄

推薦序一 互相傷害背後,是兩顆脆弱的心/蘇益賢
推薦序二 開口說話前,要懂得思考/王東明
前言 想好好對待重要的人,但總是做不到

第一章 明明關心對方,為什麼總是互相傷害?
1脫口說出惡毒的話,因為我要你了解我
2我們這麼愛著彼此,其實我們不懂對方
3沒有採取你預期的行為,你就失落
4你的關心,為什麼對方感受不到?
5人總是以譙罵表達失落感
6不好意思說「對我好一點」,於是生氣
7說了等於認輸,就罵「你本來就應該……」

第二章 都是「我以為」惹的禍──公司裡的人際關係
1以為他不重視我,造成他不重視
2「他一定……」導致「我以為」
3具體告知希望對方怎麼做
4公司裡有話不能說的理由,都是你想像的
5切勿說「這還用我說嗎?」
6覺得別人的建議很煩?那就這麼想……
7我的理所當然,不等於你的習以為常
8讓你在意的一句話,通常是真心話
9一句話怎能讓人受傷?因為本來就已經受傷
10不順的時候很難對人寬容,先放慢

第三章 最常彼此傷害的,最難離開──父母子女關係
1想想小時候,最期待爸媽為你做哪些事?
2為了保護自己而學會不再期待
3「反正……」兒女給父母的惡毒回話
4容易生氣是因為(對爸媽)太忍耐
5不噴惡毒的話,勇敢對父母生氣
6他們在等你道謝,你卻在等他們道歉
7適可而止的責備父母
8面對過分的爸媽,就當個過分的孩子
9不要將自己的恐懼投射在孩子身上
10好習慣不天天遵守,以後不會怎樣
11希望對方做什麼?寫下來

第四章 深愛對方,卻老鬧彆扭、吵架
1都是我在努力,我覺得自己不被愛
2不要勉強、偷懶一點,愛就出現了
3停止你自作主張的自我犧牲
4所謂合得來,是彼此適應過
5人為什麼會找天敵結婚?
6讓天敵消失
7現在的個性是為了適應過去的環境而形成
8並非要讓對方幸福,而是找到自己的幸福
9在一起就是共鳴了,還要求事事同感?
10你知道對方表達愛意的方式嗎?
11是攻擊還是告解?真心話怎麼說
12你都未必了解自己,為何要求別人了解你?

第五章 只要一句話,讓彼此不再互相傷害
1想「哎,算了!」原諒對方
2「因為他沒經歷過」
3處理怒氣無須壓抑
4宣布放棄做一個好人,做本來該做的
5對於看不慣的事,自問:「那又怎樣呢?」

第六章 建立「不互相傷害的關係」,要這樣做
1不讓自己屈居下位
2認定「可行」才會持續行動
3練習說出來
4沒有人能做到完美,你也是
5覺得自己可憐、不幸的人,最常講惡毒的話
6愛是看不見的,無法一直被你看見
7幸福是心態不是狀態

結語 你一直都是被愛的

各界推薦/推薦序

名人推薦

臨床心理師/蘇益賢
口語表達專家、企業講師、廣播主持人/王東明

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Brand KingStone
Brand Origin Taiwan
Net Content 1g

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