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【繁體】優秀的教養,是相信孩子的能力!

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【繁體】優秀的教養,是相信孩子的能力!

Name: 【繁體】優秀的教養,是相信孩子的能力!
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SKU: 3136116791
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内容簡介

優秀不是教出來的！孩子的能力比你想得amazing！
享譽全球的丹麥教養經典代表作，樹立親子關係新典範
授權十六種語言翻譯，英美歐洲各國長銷書，全球銷售逾 500,000 冊

發展北歐式親子關係．打破舊式教養觀點
傾聽孩子的聲音‧看見孩子的成長‧尊重孩子的完整人格‧學習尊嚴的對待

傳統上所謂的「教養」，大部分是不必要的，甚且會造成直接傷害。
我們疼愛小孩，但我們對小孩本質的基本理解卻是錯誤的。
當小孩最麻煩難搞的時候，其實正是他們對父母最有價值的時候！

當爸爸說：「我說了算！」
孩子學到的是屈服於權力。
當媽媽說：「我打你是為了你好！」
孩子學到的是害怕暴力，而不是尊重他人。
當爸爸說：「小朋友要乖乖聽話，不要多說！」
孩子學到他們沒有言論自由，而且他們必須管好自己。
當媽媽說：「規矩點，不然人家會說爸媽沒教好你！」
小孩學到的是他們被期待要「演出」，而不是做自己。
當孩子說：「看，媽咪，這是我畫給妳的！」
媽媽把圖拿過來看，然後說：「真棒，你真有畫圖的天分！」
孩子得到的不是自信，而是評價。

我們對待小孩的方式將決定世界的未來，現在這句話恐怕格外真實！

大多數的人都想看到心理健康、充滿責任感的下一代，於是我們假設孩子必須受到成人大量的影響和控制，他們必須到達某個年齡，才能被視為對等和真正的人。換言之，大人必須想辦法教養小孩，讓他們學會如何表現得像個真正的人（也就是大人）。

然而，麥教育專家雅斯培‧尤爾認為，傳統上所謂的「教養」，大部分是多餘的，而且會造成直接傷害。不但對小孩不健康，對大人也有阻礙，對小孩和成人之間關係的品質也有毀滅性的影響。數百年來，我們真正教會小孩的，是尊重權力、權威和暴力，而不是尊重其他人。

當然，大人們這麼做不是因為居心不良；剛好相反，我們疼愛小孩，相信他們必須經過好的教養、必須背負責任，才能成長。但我們的邏輯有問題。我們對小孩本質的基本理解是錯誤的。

本書不是要提供一套「養兒育女」的方法，而是提出親子互動的新典範：一種以對等尊嚴為基礎的個人對話。瑞士心理學家布洛登（Margaretha Brodén）曾說：「或許是我們搞錯了，說不定小孩是很有能力的。」所謂小孩是有能力的，意思是他們可以把我們需要學習的東西教給我們。透過他們的反饋，大人們才能重拾失去的能力，並且拋棄沒有效果、沒有愛心，以及自毀式的行為模式。

作者簡介

作者介紹雅斯培‧尤爾 Jesper Juul

著名的家庭治療師和作家，一九四八年出生於丹麥。一九六六您進入丹麥馬薩里斯堡師院（Marselisborg teacher''s college）就讀，一九七○年取得教師資格。之後進入奧胡斯大學（Arhus University）念歷史。曾於丹麥伯格爾青年治療中心（Bogholt youth treatment center）實習，發現自己對實務工作的熱愛，身為教師與社工人員，他體認到必須積極與孩子的家庭合作才能成功。隨後九年於奧胡斯社區青年中心協助單親媽媽團體，同時於丹麥、荷蘭、美國接受家庭治療的教育，也開始擔任團體治療師和個人訓練師。
一九七九年加入丹麥的斯堪地那維亞坎普勒研究中心（Kempler Institute of Scandinavia），致力發展家庭治療教育迄今。二○○四年成立了「家庭實驗室」，於歐洲和南美等十一個國家從事家庭諮商。

雅斯培‧尤爾為人夫、為人父，也當上祖父。他在教育改革上貢獻卓著，寫了二十本書，授權翻譯各國語言，英譯本包括：《Here I am! Who are you? Resolving conflicts between adults and children》、《NO! The art of saying NO! With a clear conscience》、《Family Life: The most important values for living together and raising children》、《Family Time: 》等書。

前言
第一章家庭價值觀的轉變
親子之間的衝突次數和強度，取決於大人能否承認他們為人父母的角色正在改變，以及他們在兒女人生最初的二到四年，如何面對孩子完整人格的發展。

家庭是一種權力結構
教養的方法
反抗的年紀
青春期
青少年叛逆
對孩子設限
父母對如何教養孩子必須有一致的看法？
孩子不聽話，大人要堅定拒絕？
衝突的後果是懲罰？
公平只是為了讓父母安心？
關係重思考，角色重分配
家庭互動的過程
缺乏衝突解決的典範
平等並無法達到健康的平衡
尊重與接受是愛的先決條件，還是愛的結果？
以愛的要求為名
一個對等尊嚴的社群

第二章小孩會合作！
很多父母相信小孩必須「學會聽話」，儘管這種期待幾乎都會導致小孩「不聽話」。但其實小孩十之八九會選擇與大人合作！大人應該做的是，瞭解小孩到底在配合什麼。

基本衝突
小孩的合作
完整人格
完整人格和合作之間的衝突
心身症狀
毀滅性與自毀式行為

第三章自尊與自信
不管受到什麼樣的對待，小孩對父母的愛是無條件的。小孩的自尊發展之所以重要，不是關乎他們如何看待父母，而是關係到他們多麼喜歡自己。

定義釐清
「看我，媽咪！」：認知孩子被看見的需求
承認和評估＊＊
給小孩一種價值感
「隱形」的小孩
小孩為什麼會變成「隱形」
從隱形到顯形
暴力就是暴力，就是暴力！
大人的自尊

第四章責任、負責任，以及權力
孩子會主動參與他的自尊和自我責任感的發展過程。等他長大成人，有能力建立自己的家庭時，他會知道他的需求和其他人認定的不同，不表示他有錯。表達需求和犯錯是可以被接受的。

定義釐清
第一步最難
父母的責任和權力
小孩的個人責任感
個人語言
負責，但不孤單
責任 vs. 付出

第五章小孩的社會責任
或許父母察覺到態度和行為偶爾會出現矛盾，並為這種言行不一感到懊悔。或許他們擔心自己教不好兒女……他們沒有察覺到的是，儘管他們立意良善，但教養過程的品質才是決定成敗的關鍵。

實踐責任
過度負責的小孩
獨自承擔責任
家長的權力
家庭成員的互動
負責任地使用權力

第六章界限
小孩和大人一樣，如果不斷遇到規則的阻礙，常常會覺得自己渺小、不負責任、犯錯、愚蠢，而且需要矯正。當小孩覺得受到尊重，他們的合作意願會高得多。

拋棄角色
設限
當設限出了錯
社會界限
社會界限和年紀較大的小孩

第七章家有青少年
有人說青春期本身就是和父母衝突的原因，這種概念是一個迷思。衝突產生的主要原因，是小孩逐漸變成一個獨特而獨立的人，而家長在這個過程中沒有意願或能力去認識和應付他們。

來不及「教養」小孩
父母和他們的失落感
父母彼此的關係
誰做決定？
當成功在望

第八章家庭
當兩個大人為人父母，運氣好的話，兩人加起來大概具備了三分之一把小孩教養好所需要的經驗、見解和訣竅。這些知識有部分是他們從對方身上學到的，有部分則是小孩在成長過程中透過充分的反饋教給他們的。

個人差異
共同領導
伴侶關係與家長身分
對等尊重是互相的

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