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男孩的成长:养育青春期男孩的秘密

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男孩的成长:养育青春期男孩的秘密

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用七大亲密关系法则,拆除男孩叛逆情绪的“炸弹”,唤醒男孩自我成长的力量,培养自信、独立、勇敢的好男孩。

1.尊重——尊重男孩的隐私权,保护他的自尊心。

2.接纳——给男孩无条件的爱,而不是要挟式的爱。

3.正面管教——一句鼓励的话,胜过一万句批评指责。

4.不吼不叫——父母情绪平和,男孩才会自信、快乐。

5.放手——未来的路,终究要男孩一个人走下去。

6.宽容——男孩不慎犯错后,给他一个温暖的拥抱。

7.从容——成长的事,只能让男孩自己慢慢来。

给男孩爱和规矩,为男孩的觉醒、独立、强大鼓掌!


Content Description

青春期是男孩成长的关键时期。在这个阶段,男孩的身心发育、生活、学习等方面都发生巨大的变化。

身体发育方面,男孩的第二性征出现,和女孩的差异十分明显;

心理方面,男孩正处于叛逆期,和父母、老师、同学朋友的关系经常磕磕碰碰;

生活方面,由于男孩的活动范围增大,接触到的人和事都要丰富而复杂得多;

学习方面,男孩的学习压力逐渐增大,从中考到高考,孩子需要面临重大的挑战。

所以,青春期男孩特别需要父母科学而有效的教养。父母的教养方法对了,不仅亲子关系更融洽,男孩也能更加独立而勇敢地面对成长过程中的种种挑战。

《男孩的成长:养育青春期男孩的秘密》能够帮助父母了解青春期男孩的特点,从亲子沟通、学习压力、性格发展、情绪管理、人际交往、性教育等方面,给男孩更好的陪伴和教育,使男孩获得应对未来成长种种挑战的勇气和智慧。


Author Description

睿雪

毕业于华南师范大学,曾从事多年教育工作,擅长用积极心理学方法解决儿童、青少年成长难题。已出版《3岁叛逆期,给孩子无条件养育》《好孩子不是管出来的2:自由的孩子更自觉》《极简育儿心理学》等书。


Book Abstract

抽烟、喝酒、打架……男孩是怎么染上这些恶习的?

在青春期的少男少女中,有这么一类孩子:他们或逃学旷课,或抽烟喝酒,或寻衅滋事、打架斗殴……如果没人管束,他们还可能走向犯罪的深渊。他们是别人眼中的“坏孩子”,可“坏孩子”并非天生的。那么,“坏孩子”是怎样产生的呢?或者说,好孩子是怎样染上这些恶习的呢?

北京通州某高中的陈麟是一名高一学生,但烟龄已经三年了,他总是背着父母、老师抽烟,还和同校的几名高年级学生拉帮结派。有时候,他们放学后就聚在一起吃饭、抽烟、喝酒,然后寻衅滋事。

有一次,陈麟向一名低年级同学讨要“烟钱”时,被学校保卫科的工作人员抓住。情况反映到校领导那里后,他被记过处分。但他并不把这次处分放在心上,继续抽烟、喝酒、打架。直到有一天,他在一次打架中将别人打得住进医院,被学校开除学籍。父母对此十分震惊。

事实上,陈麟曾经也是一名好孩子,而且学习成绩很好,老师很喜欢他。转变出现在他上初二的时候,当时由于父母闹离婚,陈麟跟着爷爷奶奶生活。“印象里开家长会时,从来都是爷爷去。这让我觉得自己比别人缺少了点什么。”陈麟说。

但是陈麟唯一不缺的就是钱,因为父母是做生意的,经济实力雄厚。当他们因感情纠葛无暇顾及陈麟时,只能给他很多钱,以为这样可以补偿孩子。陈麟说,他身上从来没少过300元钱。当他看见同校高年级学生抽烟时觉得很帅,于是和他们接触,尝试着抽烟。然后,在他们的影响下染上了抽烟、喝酒、赌博、打架等恶习。

北京市委课题调研组曾做过一项调查,他们通过翻阅2010年以来某司法社工机构撰写的社会调查报告,梳理200多个未成年人犯罪的案例,走访看守所、少管所等方式,最终得出这样一个调查结论:抽烟喝酒是青少年不良行为发展轨迹的起点。这些看似不起眼的小毛病,却让很多青少年走向犯罪的深渊。

调研报告中还提到,抽烟喝酒及逃学、旷课、夜不归宿等不良行为是导致青少年违法犯罪的高风险因素。而在犯罪的青少年中,80%都受到过家庭不良环境的影响。报告中称,青少年首次不良行为的平均年龄仅为12.25岁,这与青春期的萌芽大体一致,是预防和干预不良行为产生的最佳时期。

那么,青少年抽烟、喝酒以及由此引发的打架是由什么原因导致的呢?

第一,家庭影响。

很多家庭祖祖辈辈都有人有抽烟、喝酒的习惯,这会潜移默化地影响着孩子。孩子看到长辈吞云吐雾的模样,觉得很神奇,可能不自觉地就跟着学。有些家长甚至认为孩子应该抽烟喝酒,这是人际交往的需要。比如,亲戚聚在一起,会让孩子给长辈递烟、敬酒,认为这是对孩子酒量的一种锻炼。于是,孩子抽烟、喝酒的习惯就形成了。

第二,好奇模仿。

青春期的男孩渴望独立、心理趋向于成熟,认为吸烟是成人的标志。加上好奇心作祟,凡事都想试一试,于是就去模仿同学、成年人吸烟、喝酒。当他们在大庭广众下潇洒地点燃香烟吐出烟圈时,当他们在吃饭时和同学推杯换盏、称兄道弟时,他们感觉自己是名副其实的男子汉。

第三,交往心理。

首都师范大学社会工作系副教授、北京超越青少年社工事务所主任席小华认为,青少年之所以产生不良行为,源于内心的某种需求。她曾跟调研组走进北京西城区的一所中学,发现老师正在为学生抽烟而头疼。为了禁止学生课间去厕所抽烟,老师甚至不敢休息,去厕所盯着。

席小华问了一下,得知这些孩子中,真正有烟瘾的还不到十分之一。那么,为什么他们还那么喜欢抽烟呢?最终,她找到了答案:抽烟是一种社交的需要,抽烟就能有朋友,就能够相互支持。

第四,虚荣心理。

青少年虚荣心强,爱面子。当有人说“你抽烟的样子好帅”时,男孩会觉得很有面子。

那么,怎样才能帮男孩逃离抽烟、喝酒、打架斗殴的毒害呢?

1. 让男孩认识到抽烟、喝酒、打架的危害

有一项针对青少年的体检结果表明,吸烟学生的身高、胸围、肺活量比不吸烟的同龄学生低。据长期观察证实,吸烟学生的灵活性、耐力、运动成绩、学习成绩和组织纪律性,都不如不吸烟的学生。父母还要让他们认识到喝酒的危害,比如,酒后冲动、情绪激动、寻衅滋事等,这些危害相信父母都能随口说出来。

在平时的生活中,父母可以现身说法,或用身边的例子告诫孩子吸烟、喝酒的危害。比如,妈妈对孩子说:“你看隔壁家的张叔叔,昨晚喝酒骑车摔了一跤,现在住进医院了!”“你看你的表叔,长期吸烟,昨天去医院检查,被查出了严重的肺病!”通过这些真实的案例,可以有效地警示孩子,让孩子认识到抽烟、喝酒的危害,从而自觉地戒掉烟酒。

2. 引导孩子远离抽烟、喝酒、打架的朋友抽烟、喝酒、打架,往往与周围人的影响有关。除了家庭影响,青少年特别容易受到同学的影响。在发现孩子身边有抽烟、喝酒、打架恶习的朋友后,父母应明确告诉孩子,继续和那些朋友交往下去会有什么危害,引导孩子远离那些朋友。同时,父母要以身作则,尽量不要在家里抽烟、喝酒,给孩子做个好榜样。


Introduction

有人说,青春期的孩子就像早上八九点钟的太阳,充满了朝气。这个阶段是孩子成长的敏感期,也是亲子关系的磨合期,更是孩子走向社会的关键期。

相对于女孩的温柔甜蜜,男孩则调皮捣蛋了些。调皮捣蛋还是次要的,让人比较担忧的是,男孩有旺盛的精力和难以被驾驭的情绪,还有强烈的自尊和自我意识,以及如同火药桶一样,一点就着的坏脾气和叛逆心。

在整个青春期里,男孩的行为和情绪是复杂多变的。为了探索自我,他会尝试不同的行为方式,他可能刚才还很自信,清楚自己想要什么;几分钟后,他就可能变得郁郁寡欢,悲观沮丧起来。他一会儿像个学术研究者,一会儿又像一个嘻哈派的演员。

也许有时候你很不喜欢男孩的一些言行,比如,说脏话、批判别人、染头发、穿新潮的服装、夜不归宿等。但只要记住一点,你就可以平静地接纳这一切。那就是,孩子的行为不是针对你的,不是故意气你、让你难堪的。他只是在探索自己,去了解这个世界,或通过这些言行,让他更好地融入自己的朋友圈。

你要接纳男孩复杂多变的情绪,要放手让男孩一个人去走他的路;

你要给男孩以平等,你要懂得运用正面管教方法,而不是大吼大叫;

你要帮男孩培养良好的习惯,给他各种心理营养;

你要教男孩管理自己的情绪,帮他做一个懂得自控的人;

你要帮男孩学习与人交往,让男孩不再孤单,让他受人欢迎;

你要鼓起勇气,放下传统的思想偏见,跟男孩科学谈“性”;

你要对男孩可能出现的各种问题有心理准备,用心去包容……

这一切都是青春期男孩的父母要面对的挑战。

研究发现,15岁以后男孩因为各种原因(如意外、暴力、自杀等)早死的概率是女孩的三倍。但是如果你养育男孩的方法得当,就可以把男孩变成非常棒的男子汉,充分展现男性美好的一面:稳重、能干、有责任和担当、会照顾人。

所以,相对于重视男孩的学习成绩,顺利把男孩养育成人,让男孩成为一个真正的男子汉更重要。当你把眼前那个稚嫩而充满朝气的男孩,培养成一个顶天立地的男子汉时,你才能够真正体会到为人父母的那种成就感。你才有资格拍着胸脯说:“我是优秀的父母,我无愧于孩子,无愧于社会。”


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Jingdong book