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蹲下来,用爱和孩子说规矩:—位新西兰妈妈20年的育儿经

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蹲下来,用爱和孩子说规矩:—位新西兰妈妈20年的育儿经

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  1. 兰登书屋亲子畅销佳作,父母陪伴孩子从幼儿期到青春期必读经典。
    2.新西兰知名育儿专家完全育儿心经:从蹒跚学步的婴儿到气度翩翩的少年(1 ~19岁)。
    3.用爱和规矩因材施教,教出自律、独立的好孩子。
    孩子的成长教育问题是父母一生中的头等大事。从婴幼儿到青春期的未成年时期,是孩子人生中性格、体质、素养等形成的关键性阶段。本书专门讲述此年龄段的孩子教育问题,帮助父母培养出人格健康、独立、自律的孩子。
    本书作者是新西兰知名育儿专家、家庭治疗师,同时也是3位孩子的母亲。针对1-19岁孩子成长问题,作者温情讲述了如何将孩子从蹒跚学步的幼儿培养成为独立自主的青春少年的教养心得,为家长提供了专业、系统、充满关爱且切实有效的育儿方案。笔风幽默而明晰,对解决幼儿期至青春期育儿的“疑难杂症”有很强的现实指导作用。
    阅读本书,跟随作者,找到极好适用的教育策略,用爱和孩子说规矩,培养的孩子!

    更多精彩请点击:


Content Description

养育一个孩子长大成人是一个长达20年的大项目,在这极其关键的20年间,父母要如何引导和教育孩子,使他们拥有面对未来生活的重要素质和必备技能?在这过程中,父母又该如何运用好爱和规矩这一法则?新西兰育儿专家在本书中给出专业、系统、温情、有效的解答,教你建立适用的家庭结构和育儿框架,掌握育儿策略和方法,培养出优秀的孩子,并让育儿过程事半功倍。

Author Description

黛安·莱维(Diane Levy),新西兰著名家庭治疗师、育儿教练、育儿类畅销书作家,也为一些杂志、报纸专栏供稿,还有自己的电视、广播节目,已出版多部育儿畅销作品。

Catalogue

第1 章 用20 年时间养育一个孩子
1. 二十年育儿计划// 002
2. 家庭结构// 013
3. 智慧VS 力量// 023
4. 增强孩子的自尊// 030
5. 事情为何变得乱糟糟// 043
第2 章 了解人的性格
6. 性格理论// 052
7. 吸引力和关系// 069
8. 人与人之间的联系// 081
第3 章 情感独立之路
9. 满足孩子的情感需求// 092
10. 多关心,少干涉// 101
11. 帮助孩子应对挫折// 113
12. 父母理所应当给建议吗// 127
13. 当答案不明朗时// 137
第4 章 自律之路
14. 让孩子听话// 146
15. 让我们来谈谈“反省”// 167
16. 要求—吩咐—行动// 181
17. 家有家规// 201
18. 帮助孩子做选择和做计划// 221
第5 章 陷阱和问题
19. 辨明方向// 240
20. 手足之争// 252
21. 欺凌他人:零容忍// 258
22. 解决睡觉问题// 268
23. 食物之战// 276
24. 练习上厕所// 286
25. 关于青春期孩子的策略// 297
后记
Introduction


我对我的小老鼠仍是记忆犹新。1967 年,我的老鼠和我一块儿从心理学专业“毕业”。为了教会我的老鼠分辨水平线和垂直线的区别,我曾费尽心思。
这对我和我的老鼠都不是一件轻松的事。我得和它一起走进一个灯光昏暗的死角,那里摆着一个小小的“跳台”和一个“降落平台”——上面放有食物球——选择正确便能获得食物,选择错误则除了一个确保它安全的鼠袋便什么也得不到。我会先把这只倒霉鼠放到第一个平台上,等着平台慢慢失衡,然后推它或者等它自己厌烦,然后小老鼠就会朝预设的一排线走去。正确的选择意味着安全落地和美味食物。错误的选择则意味着重重地摔进下方的鼠网中,尽管能保证安全,但还是不那么舒服。
渐渐地,小老鼠开始学会区分水平线和垂直线的不同。之后,我很快便对“心理学是解决动物一切行为问题的答案——包括人类”——这一理论深信不疑。难道以前我不知道心理学就是研究行为的?难道现在的我不再坚信,任何行为都能通过对预期行为的积极强化以及对非预期行为的消极强化而得到修正?
在将近20 年的时间里,我都把这个理论当成我的基本研究宗旨。我在这一方面进行了很大强化:赞美(积极强化),惩罚(消极强化)。同时,我利用星状图将这一理论应用到对人的研究中,我也鼓励家长和老师修正孩子的行为。
说到我对科学的兴趣、好奇以及从中获得的快乐,不得不提到上帝,很大程度上这跟小时候每个周六听拉比诵读《十诫》有很大的关系。诵读《十诫》是当时为数不多的用英语主持的安息日仪式,也是我唯一能听懂的几个。
“因为我耶和华——你的神是忌邪的神。恨我的,我必追讨他的罪,自父及子,直到三四代;爱我、守我诫命的,我必向他们发慈爱,直到千代。(译者注:《圣经·旧约·出埃及记》20 章4-6 节)”
你看,就连上帝也是赏罚分明的。我为人父母过,为人师长过,为人妻子过,当过委员,当过主席,也当过咨询师,而现在我是一名家庭心理治疗师。
这个理论最大的问题就是它确实有它的作用,所以常常会让我们误以为自己真的找到了答案。当效果不好时,我们总以为是自己做得不够好、不够多、不够诚恳或者——这种“不够”对于任何一个父母来说都是一种折磨——不够坚持。这样一来,唯一的办法就是更努力地去做。
为什么过了整整30 年,我才再想到那只老鼠?我自己也不明白。那只老鼠花了那么长的时间、付出那么多努力才学会分辨垂直线和水平线,可它同时也无师自通地学会了正确选择和储存适量食物,学会避开悬崖、猫、火、人类等危险,学会认路回到离开的地方,学会了自己搭窝,寻找伴侣,繁殖并养育后代。这一切都没有经过我的帮助,也没有经过那么精心策划的奖罚,但是这只老鼠却做到了。
与此同时,我开始反省自己那个狂妄的理论——通过奖罚机制控制每个人的行为。我开始用新的眼光看待周围的世界,并发现奖惩理论并不适用于复杂的动物或者说人类的行为模式。撇开其他的不谈,为什么好人也会碰到坏事?这样的例子有很多。
按照我们的文化传统,往往把金钱奖励作为激励手段或者证明一个人价值的手段。可是,为什么那些大喊大叫以至于对我们的听力造成永久伤害的人收获颇丰,那些能治愈我们受损听力的人所获甚少,而那些曾经帮助我们正视听,并教导我们不要盲从自己的耳朵以至于被那些言过其实的声音欺骗的人却得不到任何东西呢?
我面对的一个难题是:如果我抛弃了奖惩这一多年来的育儿基本手段,那我还有什么武器呢?
说到这,就不得不提三个巨大的突破。第一个突破是对如何倾听孩子的内心、如何在不代为解决问题的情况下给到孩子支持的思考。这也是受到珍·莱德罗夫关于原始部落耶全纳印第安人的研究的启发,我在耶全纳部落育儿模式的基础上进行调整,使之适合21 世纪的新西兰。
第二个更大的突破是,我明白了为什么“面壁思过”(Time-out)在有些家庭中管用,在另一些家庭中又收效甚微。这是因为有些父母把“面壁思过”当成一种惩罚(取代棍棒),而一旦孩子乐得一个人待着并且拒绝走出房间,父母就无计可施了。在另一些家庭中,父母只是想通过“面壁思过”的办法给孩子所需的空间,然后让他们改变心意并最终纠正错误的行为,这样一来孩子不仅更能自制,而且也会过得更快乐。
这个想法在我带着新眼光去阅读哈尔·厄本的《我想让孩子知道的20件事》时更加得到了佐证和强化。哈尔这本书的最后一章是围绕“听话是心理健康最重要的元素”这一论题展开。最后我也终于明白,为什么当我建议父母试着更严格要求孩子、让孩子更顺从听话,最后得到的反馈会是“他们好似更开心了”——以前我总是对此感到困惑。
第三个突破是在我参加丹(Dan)和琳达·波波夫(Linda Popov)举行的“优点项目”研讨会时取得的,我明白了怎样说话能更巧妙地认可孩子的价值,而这一点比直接夸赞孩子的行为重要也有力得多。这三个突破让我确信,育儿目标是建立在两个关键任务的基础上:
● 当孩子经历不同情绪(快乐、愤怒、悲伤、暴躁、高兴)以合适的方式给予他支持。
●约束孩子的不当行为,让他们学会遵守社会规则并提高自制力。
只要达到这两个目标,我们的孩子就能掌握健康、独立的成人生活所需的能力和品质。最重要的是,这种方法并不需要花费多大力气,这对于已被孩子折腾得筋疲力尽的父母也是一种解放。用这种方式教育出来的孩子性格会更开朗,相处起来也让人更加愉快。
备注:英语中并没有一个能代表“他或她”的单数代词,而我又觉得总是写“他或她”太麻烦也太无趣。一开始,我打算用“他们”统一替代。但又担心不合适,所以我索性单数篇章用“他”,双数篇章用“她”。亲爱的读者,如果你的儿子被冠上了女性称呼或者女儿冠上了男性称呼,那也只能请你自己去理清这些纠结啦。
育儿本身就是一件特别纠结特别难的事情,相对而言,弄清楚“他或她”反倒要容易得多!

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