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原来,懂比爱更重要

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资深心理咨询师重磅力作;
新颖独到的观点和概念,全新的思考方向,必将掀起“懂得”的风暴;
带你走出痛苦,走出迷茫,走出寂寞
Content Description

人存在于世上,有三种关系:和自己的关系、和他人的关系与和情境的关系。世间的痛苦,都与关系中爱和爱的缺失有关。而爱不能流动,都与不能懂得有关。所有的关于情绪化、拖延、迷茫、无助、敏感、否定、看不惯、防御心、指责、直言直语、虚伪、争吵、恋爱困难、感情失谐、绝望,都是因为不懂得。我们不懂自己,所以痛苦却难以改变。我们不懂他人,所以想爱却孤独无力。
如果说什么有可以让我们走向快乐幸福,那就是懂得。懂得他人,得以和谐关系。懂得自己,得以充满力量。
《原来,懂比爱更重要》通过对事物、情感进行专业、深入的剖析,深入简出地使读者明白:改变,从懂自己、懂他人开始。有了懂得,爱就能在我们身边流动起来、传递下去。
Author Description

丛非从,心理咨询师,自由心理讲师,自由撰稿人,不定期开设心理成长课程。著有《你是在恋爱,还是在发神经》《找到意想不到的自己》等书。
Catalogue

第一章懂他人
我若懂你,该有多好
最爱的人未必适合在一起
你以为的爱,其实就在你手上
他喜欢我吗?不要被自己骗了
当我们看不惯的时候,我们发生了什么?
我们要不要戴上面具来适应社会
你说得很对,但是你的表达方式让我不舒服
别人的否定和指责为什么能伤害到你?
你是想发泄情绪,还是想解决问题?
我放下怨恨与报复,是因为懂得了我要去爱我自己
不是你尊重他,他就要尊重你
没有人忽视你,那是你自己的假设
我是为你好,所以你要改

第二章懂自己
不要说你一无所有,你不是还有病吗?
一个人最大的悲哀,就是不愿做自己
找到内心真正想做的事
你有很多不好,但并不影响你可以活得很好
我只是一只不会爬树的鸭子
真实比优秀更容易优秀
在迷茫的弯路里也有风景
有一种拖延叫再等等吧
我允许自己失利,正如允许自己成功一样
努力是种病:放慢节奏,才能快速奔跑
挫折下的无助感
在合适的年纪做合适的事情
未满足之爱:你接着扒开伤给我看呀
别怕,带着恐慌上路吧
神逻辑:不优秀就没人爱

第三章懂你的TA
单身是一种习惯
单身的七个原因
用付出的方式去索取,挽回不了爱情
爱与期待同在
洗碗背后的亲密关系
亲密关系中有了冲突怎么办
不是所有的关怀都叫爱
先爱伴侣,后爱孩子
当父母们想去修正孩子的行为时
所有的安全,都来自于爱
家长,请直面你的期待
爱自己,才能真正爱孩子

第四章如何改变
做自己的心理咨询师
你不是真的想改变
为了改变现状,你愿意付出多少
别让你的人生一直在一个模式里重复
螺旋向上:一个人的改变是怎样发生的
怎样改变他人

Book Abstract

我若懂你,该有多好
每个人都有一个死角,
自己走不出来,别人也闯不进去。
我把最深沉的秘密放在那里。
你不懂我,我不怪你。
——《你若懂我,该有多好》
网上流行这个段子,我很感触。我不知道这是不是莫言先生写的,但我知道这代表了很多人的心:你不懂我,我不怪你;你若懂我,该有多好。
我也知道这八个字非常地流行,是很多人内心的一个显性的或隐性的期待。那感觉是我把自己尘封在一个无人问津的角落里,我期待有个人可以悄悄把它打开,期待有人看到我内心柔软的自我,我不必去言语,他可以知道,并照顾到。那是一份多么美丽的期待。而,这个世界上,能有这样一个人,定是知己或恋人。能有这样一个人,很多人也觉得不枉此生。然后延伸出了很多美丽的期待:我只想有个人能懂我;我不需要你有房有车,我只想不离不弃。
“有个人能懂我”,只是个美好的泡沫。不过是再次想要我们最初的时候来到这个世界上最需要的那个人——妈妈。从出生开始,我们无法言语,我们的需要只能通过妈妈的天生的敏感和默契来发现,并无条件地满足它们。那时候我们几乎不用付出就能得到。后来,我们长大,依然需要这样一个人的出现来填满这个空白,不要付出就能被完全满足,给予我们妈妈一样的爱。于是就成了:你若懂我,该有多好。
这是人类共有的深深的渴望:连接感、绝对关注。
当一个人做到的时候,其实就意味着你成为了他世界的中心,你退化成了婴儿一样。你可以肆意地汲取心理营养,而不必想着怎么表达和索取,因为你的心一动,你就可以被满足。这满足了你极度的自恋感。
但显然,很少或者没有人能够做到这样对你。当你长大,你终究不是世界的中心,也遇不到一个和你有着同样成长背景的人,所以,他不能完全根据你的成长经验来理解你内心的想法。因为你们的经历不同,所以,你们之间就会有偏差,他也就不能完全懂你。
当你长大后,妈妈可能也做不到了。你开始接触社会,开始经历家庭之外的经验,妈妈也不是那个曾经在你是婴儿的时候最懂你的人了。于是,这个世界上只剩下一个人可以做到,那就是你自己。
你才是最可能懂你自己的人。你才是那个“你若懂我,该有多好”的人,你才最了解自己心底的想法,最知道自己心底真实的秘密,最不会欺骗、背叛和离开自己的人。只是,你真的去认真了解自己了吗?如若你自己都不懂自己,那其他人懂你就更难了。如若你自己懂得了自己,为什么不去照顾自己呢?照顾好自己的食物和精神需求,自己去寻找,自己来满足自己、悦纳自己、欣赏自己。成为自己的重要他人,让自己开心。和自己在一起,与自己的心对话。
你会发现,其实和自己的交流是最美妙的事情。我始终觉得,自己满足自己的心理营养是世界上很神奇也很简单的事情。
所以,你可以自己先懂自己,填满内心的空缺,和自己恋爱。那么你就会长大,成熟。你就会以一成人的眼光看待世界,而不再期待着世界上会出现一个人能像曾经的妈妈一样来无条件了解你和满足你,你可以成为自己的妈妈。
你需要一个懂你的人,只是你内心匮乏了非常有安全感的爱,也就是绝对关注。
这只是你内心的匮乏。对于有个人把你当成世界中心的匮乏。
但你有没有想过,你并不是世界的唯一,众生和你一样。当人们长大,人们都是一个孤零零的个体存在于世界上。人们也都需要、都渴望回归到婴儿一般,无论男人或者女人,都渴望那种绝对关注,都希望有个人可以在不需要努力通过语言和行为表达的时候就能满足自己。
那么,如果有人来满足你,谁来满足他?你们两个都需要、都匮乏的人,谁来先满足谁呢?
所以,你可以换个角度,当你能够填满自己的空缺,可以用一个成年人的眼光去看待他人,不再把自己封闭在那个角落里,把心打开,然后把心交出去给另外一个人,去感受他的呼吸,他的心跳,去带着好奇和他连接,去感受他的内在。你会发现,他也有颗脆弱的心等待着你去看到。你会惊讶于人性的脆弱,你会心疼,你会感动,你会想像妈妈一样爱护那颗脆弱的心,就像你看到路边的酣睡的小猫一样,忍不住去抚摸和照顾。然后,你就成了懂他的那个人。
结果便成了:我若懂你,该有多好。或者:我能懂你,该有多好。
一颗被懂的心就会慢慢被修复,酥软,敞开。像一只被放到安全环境里的小乌龟一样,慢慢探出了头,望望这个世界。于是他也被填满的时候,就会反过来走向你、看看你,于是你会被填得更满。
这才是真正的爱:杯满自溢。然后对方也会被填满,反哺于你。
前提是,你要先把自己填满。当你把自己填满的时候,你才不会产生那么多的期待向他索取。不会说出“我都为你付出了这么多,你怎么都不知道为我付出”、“我努力理解你,但是你一点都不愿意理解我”这样的话。索取给人压力,索取让人后退,索取让人的心更加封闭而不是敞开。一颗不索取的心,就是一颗填满的心,一颗敢于付出的心,才是有力量的心。被填满和滋润的一方,没有理由不向你敞开、走向你。这是人性使然,人在安全和被人懂得的环境里,就会自然舒展开来。
你们就是神仙眷侣,或者高山流水。
你们任何的争吵、分歧都是喜悦的。因为你们都愿意走入对方的世界,然后懂得。
最初那个呼喊“你若懂我,该有多好”的人,不过是个躲在角落里索取的人。与其这样,不如走到阳光里去,做个付出者,照亮角落里的人,那么,你就是全世界最富有的人。
“你若懂我”始终不如“我若懂你”和“我能懂你”来得好,更让人觉得美妙。
……

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Brand Jingdong book
Brand Origin China

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