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Jingdong book

人类接管手册

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人类接管手册

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◎萌你一脸血的小猫全彩写真:我就这么萌,你怕不怕?


◎朕管理你们这些铲屎官也是殚精竭虑啊

男人、女人、孩子,是猫奴基因作怪,还是古埃及猫神的子孙有特殊魔力?都不是,真正的答案是喵星人都看过《5年高考3年模拟》(大雾),咳咳,其实是《人类接管手册》。

看完这本书,喵星人对人类的心理弱点了如指掌,知道什么时候卖萌惹你开心,什么时候强硬让你生气。“猫罐头不会自己打开”,喵星人也是很努力的哦。


◎重新回味与猫主子相遇、相知、相濡以沫的温馨生活

与那只喵星人*一次相逢的情景你还记得吗?猫主子怎么就留在你家了呢?什么时候你已经对主人言听计从,成为一名合格的猫奴了呢?

抚今追昔,忆苦思甜,尔等应珍惜今天来之不易的被接管生活,更好地做一名合格的铲屎官。


Content Description

当他们把你抱在怀里或者你躺在他们腿上、他们轻轻地抚摸你的时候,它就会从他们身上流到你身上,然后你也能感觉到爱。

——本书作者,人类接管者,小猫、流浪猫、无家可归猫的老师,情感观察家,心理学大师,一只聪明的喵


从踏进家门开始,那只可爱的猫咪已经开始接管你了。你们都以为自己是猫的主人,太单纯了!读完这本书你们就会幻灭的。从男主人到女主人,从孩子到客人,从吃什么东西到睡在哪儿,从家庭到旅途,从日常生活到节假日,从下棋打牌到迎接新生的小猫咪——一步一步地,你把自己的椅子让给他/她,把自己的床铺让给他/她,最后照着他/她的想法安排这个家的生活。你被接管了!那只小精灵利用自己的手腕、技巧、欲擒故纵、反客为主,洞悉你心窝里最软的地方,知道你头脑里最深的渴望,他/她翻手为云覆手为雨,最终成功地接管你们一家。


不过不管怎么说,最重要的是,你的猫咪爱你,你也爱他/她,而且还会继续爱下去,不是吗?


Author Description

保罗•加利科(Paul Gallico),美国人,一个猫奴,生于1897,死于1976,作家、编剧。他的作品拥有众多书迷,J•K•罗琳就是其中一位。

Catalogue

编者前言

所有的猫都神神秘秘的,小心翼翼地不让你知道他们在想什么。

第一章接管

对他们来说,一夜之间一切大不一样,家不再属于他们,他们的习惯也会渐渐地完全改变。从那一刻起,他们从属于我们。

第二章人类

如果你学会时不时恰到好处地软化你的男人,他就不会再当你是一只猫了,而是一个披着毛皮、为他神魂颠倒的雌性人类成员,这样你就可以随意摆布他了。

第三章所有权

人类的寂寞感是最有力的特点之一,能帮你赢得你想要的家庭和服务。

第四章看兽医

如果你聪明得能接管一个家庭,也能聪明地利用你的兽医,自然就不用我多说了……

第五章食物

永远不要忘了这场战斗的目的是什么:不仅要挫败他们、不吃他们给你准备的食物,还要挫败他们到打开各种罐头供你品尝。

第六章餐桌旁的美味

想让你家的人在他们吃饭的时候给你喂上点儿美味,需要你付出直接的作战行动。

第七章姿态

想要恰当又彻底地征服一家人,最重要的事情之一就是要学会正确的姿态。

第八章门

在任何一个井然有序的家里,你必须被放在第一位。

第九章圣诞节

要是你稍微下点决心、坚定一些,就可以轻易把这个节日变成你的,一切都为你服务,你想怎么庆祝都行。

第十章旅行

要记住,在旅行的时候人们要遵守各种各样并非由他们自己制定的规章制度。如果你想拉屎撒尿就悄悄地进行。

第十一章当母亲

生小猫不是我的使命,如果你想做主,让人类的家庭按照你想要的方式来运行,一切以你的舒适和安康为重心,那生小猫也不是你的使命。

第十二章谈吐

要不是人类有这么一个显著又从不缺席的特点——虚荣,我们在面对他们时的许多问题都会比现在要复杂许多。

第十三章行为举止

要记得,这是我们千百年来努力营造、精心维持的传说,让人类认为我们是世界上最为自由、最为重要的生物。

第十四章爱

另外,要小心这种人类的爱,它要比挨棍子打还痛苦。人类会不再爱一只猫并把它丢弃。但是我们永远不会。

第十五章一猫二主/181

如果你和人类共处过哪怕一点儿时间,你就会知道他们对自己的所有权是多么地极端敏感。

第十六章犯错/191

然而,千万别忘了,每扇门都是双向的,你被赶出去的速度可能比你进来的速度还要快,更重要的是,永远被赶出去。

第十七章游戏和娱乐

如此一来,你会让他们形成良好的习惯,最终他们就能学会在试着做任何事之前都征求你的同意了。

第十八章迎接和训练新生命

相信我,在养育后代方面,我们比人类做得棒多了,假如你见过他们教出来的讨人厌、没教养、坏脾气的小孩,你就会认同我的观点了。

第十九章结语

几十万甚至几百万猫主人都单纯地认为自己只是猫的主人,而这本书的大部分内容对于他们来说可悲地解释了许多令人幻灭的事实。


Book Abstract

为了驯服你的男人或者任何其他男人,让他恪守其职,你所做的所有事中最为重要的一点就是要谨记我们是完全独立的个体,难以取悦。这一点你一定要牢记在心。

因为正如我之前所言,男人从根本上有一种不安全感,他时时需要爱护、仰慕、奉承和讨好,这就是为什么狗能侥幸成功,这就是为什么一旦他找到一个肯爱护、仰慕、奉承和讨好他的女人就完全失去了心智,奉上全部钱财,给她买房子、买首饰、买礼物,为她终日工作。

我们不会那样做,他们也清楚这一点。

不过,正因为如此,我们稍加讨好便功效百倍。允许他把你抱在臂弯里,如果你仰卧着,就能看到他一脸全然如痴如醉的表情。你可以仰卧或者蜷成一团睡在他的腿上,他为了不吵醒你可以一连几小时一动不动,直到腿抽筋了为止。如果你肯费心在他下班时等在门口,他甚至会在亲吻妻子之前抱起你,热情地跟你问好。男人们对能让一只猫在乎他们满心感激,甚至能为你做任何事情。比如,我诱导我家的男人给我做了四个睡觉用的盒子,

我接受了最后一个在里面团成一团的时候,他高兴得简直要哭出来了。

本书不同章节中会讨论各种奉承男人的方法,你肯定会找到适合你的方式。他去花园或者树林里散步的时候跟着他,这种办法最为有效,他会认为你一刻也离不开他。在他刮胡子的时候坐在浴缸边或马桶盖上望着他也是一招好棋。当然了,如果你想紧紧地绑住他的心的话,他在人前叫你的时候一定要出来。

不过,你现在一定在对自己说,这是在放弃独立!其实一丁点儿也没有。你只不过是在假装他就是他心中自认为的那个神,装装样子又不会伤到你一根胡子毛。

不要低估女人,因为她们聪明非凡——远比她们俘获、接管的男人要聪明。为了俘获男人,她肯定了解也使用了许多你学习到的花招和路数,一旦她不仅知道你怎么缠住了她的丈夫,还知道你是怎么办到的,那么你要准备好和女主人一决高下,成败见分晓的时刻早晚会来临。

不过你不要被吓到,她还是会因为你的所做作为而欣赏和尊重你,虽然她会因此稍微削弱对丈夫的尊重,不过这就不用你来担心了,因为随着时间流逝,不管怎样都会有这样的趋势。只不过从那一刻起,她就知情了,如果你聪明的话,就不会像对男人一样放肆地对她。然而,如果你设法让她明白你知道她知情,并且不会对她耍花样的话,你就会处在一个非常舒适和睦的停火状态,身边有了一个在对付男人的时候可以依赖的意料之外的盟友。

把女人当做和你一样的动物,这样你就不会犯低估她的错误了。她比男人要坚韧,知道自己想要什么,怎么得到想要的东西。她也有柔软的一面,你可以利用这一点来训练她按照你的方式来打理房子。弄清楚她什么时候脾气不好、因为什么沮丧,记得在这种时候不要去招惹她。


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Brand Jingdong book
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