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Jingdong book

罗曼蒂克心理学

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罗曼蒂克心理学

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罗曼蒂克爱情的特性是什么?两性关系如何才能成为自我发现的途径?成熟与不成熟爱情的不同是什么?性在其中充当了什么角色?罗曼蒂克爱情就需要性专一吗?我们以如何面对情爱中的嫉妒……作者认为,罗曼蒂克爱情不是幻觉,而是一个证实我们存在的机会,是一种历险,一种挑战,是我们许多人升华自我走向成熟征程中不可或缺的一条重要路径。
Author Description

纳撒尼尔·布兰登,心理学博士,在美国洛杉长期从事心理学研究和心理治疗工作,有《自尊的六剂药方》、《女性的自尊》等多部著作。这些著作被翻译成8种文字,在全球 广为发行。
Catalogue

引 言
第一章 罗曼蒂克爱情的演化
开场白:爱情和反抗
历史的回望:渐进的过程
集体意识:非个体性
希腊理念:精神之爱
罗马现象:走向极端
基督之言:无性爱情
贵族之恋:爱情前奏
从文艺复兴到启蒙运动:世俗爱情
工业主义,资本主义,两性关系的新视野
浪漫主义文学的影响
十九世纪:“驯服”的罗曼蒂克
美式理念:个人主义与罗曼蒂克
对罗曼蒂克爱情的批判
关于罗曼蒂克爱情的争论
关于人的潜能运动
需求:罗曼蒂克爱情的新理念
第二章 罗曼蒂克爱情的本源
开场白:自我为先
走近爱情
父母与孩子间的爱:一个特例
爱的需求和欲望
罗曼蒂克爱情的核心:马特尼可原则
生活中的性
男女之间
罗曼蒂克爱情的反应
第三章 罗曼蒂克爱情的选择
开场白:似曾相识般的感动
生活感受
取长补短
不成熟的爱
奇特的差异:节律与能量
私密的爱情
第四章 罗曼蒂克爱情的挑战
尾声:关于爱情的最后赠言
……
Book Abstract

浪漫主义在19世纪受到冲击后,罗曼蒂克爱情也被说成是中产阶级的幻想。此时,旧有的哲学、科学和社会观念都在消融,中产阶级开始诞生。19世纪中叶科学世界观已经深入人心;进化论只是许多对长期占据人类生存重要空间的宗教信仰进行反击的科学发现之一。在人与人关系中,责任被认为是惟一的因素。似乎只有它才会使这种关系稳定、持久,并且具有意义。马修·阿诺德写于1867年的著名诗歌《多佛海滩》,其中一段就以讽刺的笔调表述了这种想法:信仰之海曾经…一望无际,环绕海岸如亮丽腰带。如今只听到落潮时忧郁的长吼,退却,夜风飘过,留下落寞大地裸露的砾石。哦,真挚的爱情世上惟你才是我梦萦的土地,变幻,美丽,时尚,却没有快乐、情爱、光明,也没有真诚、平和、慰藉;我们掠过这片黑暗的原野耳边留下枪炮几声,那是愚蠢的人在与夜抗争。在19世纪,爱情被大多数人看作是在混乱无序的世界里惟一可以带着希望歇息的避风港。罗曼蒂克(当然是“驯化”过的)爱情被作为婚姻的伴生物在中产阶级中得到认可。在当时社会、文化的巨变下,政治并不开明,因此婚姻和家庭就成为社会稳定的需要,夫妻间的忠诚也成为了一种社会责任。这可是爱情中的非罗曼蒂克因素。由于中产阶级是“暴发户”,因此他们的道德观是清教徒式的,他们关心的是如何受到尊敬,至于说到爱情,那当然需要自由选择伙伴,但同样必须要使它家庭化。众所周知,维多利亚文化是非常压抑的,其中最可恶的还是对爱情的态度,这种文化把家庭的幸福与性爱的压抑联系起来。在这个清教徒社会里,性欲被看作是男性兽性的爆发;而在家庭中,男性的这种兽性就可以通过道德、精神等加以“驯化”。维多利亚式的婚姻充满互相的尊敬、忠诚和感情,但对性事却极其冷漠并加以限制。当罗曼蒂克的标志——自由和个人主义,在经济领域里被普遍接受时,它在个人生活领域里的社会需求也随之日趋增大。然而在社会生活里,尤其是在中产阶级生活中,他们在得到“尊敬”的同时,在性生活方面几乎没有什么自由而言,而自由和开放恰恰是20世纪罗曼蒂克的基本要素。可是,变化依然在悄悄地发生着,虽说只是断断续续。女性在财产权方面的地位继续得到上升;婚姻不再只是一种宗教的意义,它在向平民化方向迈进;离婚也开始出现。这些法律的变化使得对性伴侣的选择更容易了。最终,在19世纪后期和20世纪早期,一个能对“性”进行全新诠释的哲学开始形成,至少在某些方面我们已经可以这样认为,“性”是人的自然属性,它具备深刻的心理特点,这一论点已经逐渐取代了宗教的“兽性”观点。然而,“弗洛伊德新论”的影响也并不都是正面的,它在使我们对性的了解方面产生进步的同时,学说本身却包含了反罗曼蒂克爱情的论点以及对女性的歧视。当然,说它是反罗曼蒂克的,可还没有倒退到反对性选择的地步,但它也没有明确地反对包办婚姻。弗洛伊德认为,“爱情”只是一种“有针对的性事”,布尔乔亚式的罗曼蒂克爱情不。过是由于性欲受挫而去寻找“过度包装”的借口。在他看来,“罗曼蒂克爱情”这一提法本身只是未满足的性冲动的高级表达方式而已。在他的论点里,性欲不是什么男女倾慕的结果,而多半是与他个人的经历有关。对于女性,他完全接受了“小女人”的论调,即女人是需要由男人保护的,因为她们是容易受到伤害的尤物。女人的一生都充满了没有阳具的不满足感。因此,女人如果在智力或是在其他事务上过于积极,就会被认为是试图对这种不满足和自身的弱势本性的补偿。弗洛伊德实在不是个男女平等主义者,不过就其在对性研究上所做的开拓性工作,就其为后人提供一条成功途径方面,以及就其工作的探讨性方面,他都可以被称之为伟人。他使得后人能站在他的肩膀上,看得更远。他本人虽不是个罗曼蒂克爱情的支持者,但他的工作却使罗曼蒂克爱情发生了重大的变化。当两个人相遇时,决定彼此可视程度的关键是什么呢?可以说,在于每个人在各自最基础水平上愿意和能够看到对方的能力,正是它决定了个人体验的可视程度。除此之外,我们还可以提到另外两个基本因素。其一是两人间一定程度上的喜好和思维的互相认同,在观察世界、对待生活的态度以及意识发展等方面的相似性;另一个因素是各自的自我观念在对待和处理心理问题时的一致性,各自能现实地认可并感知对方,以及在内心的观点与行为上表现出来的个性的一致性。先看第一个因素。设想有一个具有自信和良好理性能力的女性与一个焦虑、怨怒、没有安全感的男性相遇,男人对她都是怀疑和敌对的情绪,无论她说什么或干什么,都会被他粗暴地打断和反对,他甚至把她的自信视为试图控制他。在这样的情况下,这个女人不可能出现可视现象,她会为自己无法被对方理解而感到迷惑和不满。同样,男性也不可能达到可视的程度。他们之间的差异实在太大了。如果此时有另一个旁观的男人向她发出微笑的信号,表明他对她情感的理解和支持,她就会感到松弛,她会以微笑回应他,此时,可视现象便出现了。再看看第二个因素。设想某个男性善于伪装自己的行为以达到维护自尊的目的。他的这种虚荣必然与其实际行动传递给他人的真实自我产生矛盾,结果是,他在与周围人的相处中长期无法达到可视,也就是说他的意识必然长期受阻。这是因为他收到的反馈与他的自我意识无法协调一致。即使有人“买他的账”,他也无法使自己达到可视,因为在他的心灵深处,他无法回避这样的事实:这不是我。(但是如果不受到他的指责,有人能指出这种现象的本质是由于他内心的不安全感形成的,这个人也许就能提供给他真实的可视体验。)两个不成熟的人之间并非不能产生互动,比如这两个人都是有很强的虚荣心并且具有自欺癖的人,他们彼此也会产生互动的可视幻觉,这在本质上是互相支持的一种“交易”,当然,这种“交易”只是或多或少地处于潜意识之中。有意思的是,在这种关系的伪可视表象下,还有一层真正的可视体验存在。在这些人的心灵深处非常清楚对方在于什么,他们能够凭借沉默等手段来控制对方。我把它斥之为不成熟的爱情而不是罗曼蒂克,此题后面再展开讨论。上述例子不可能完整地表达这样的过程,它们无法包容纷繁复杂的真实的人际关系——这里有太多的真可视和伪可视,真性格-和伪性格,混乱和有序的混合,还有彻头彻尾的自欺欺人。我们已经讨论了互相开放和互相交流的重要性以及实行的具体途径,这个问题对男女间爱情的亲呢质量至关重要。按马思特(1970)的说法,亲昵是自我在最深和最私密层面上的开放,是“自我弱点的开放”。在展开这个话题之前,我先谈谈我所做的“亲昵试验”。我有时会给那些互相之间已经淡漠,或者他们的爱情已经接近死亡的人们指定一些“家庭作业”。我要求他们花一天的时间在一起,完全排除外界干扰,没有电视,没有电话,没有书籍,即使有孩子也要安排专人照料,总之,不许有任何事情分心。他们在同一个屋子里必须呆够12个小时。无论一方说什么,另一方决不能甩手离开,当然更不允许有什么暴力发生。如果愿意,也可以一言不发地坐几小时,只要呆在一起就行。通常来说,他们起初的一两个小时会僵坐在那里,有些自我控制,甚至会有些矛盾之类的小接触,但在随后的时间里他们肯定会进行交流,可能这种交流有些火药味道,但最终他们会再次亲近,甚至做爱。然后他们会走出去看电影或访友或驾车兜风或做其他事情。如果他们还在屋里,那么他们之间的亲呢行为会继续下去,甚至超过以往,交流的领域也会扩大。他们常常会谈一些以前从不谈起的话题——比如,他们的感情梦,他们的渴望。他们彼此都会发现对方一些从未了解的事情,他们自由地在这个空间里交谈12个小时,谈论个人的感受,他们之间的关系,而不是什么工作、孩子之类的事情。当让他们置身于这样一种无外界刺激干扰的状况下时,便只有了“我”和“他”,这时他们开始理解亲昵的含义,这时情感会得到加深,情绪会发生激动,生活的体验也会由此而拓展。……

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Jingdong book