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Jingdong book

爱情心理学

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爱情心理学

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推荐1:本书关注的“爱情心理学”,是探讨如何正确地处理男女之间的亲密关系,从而获得持久的幸福。如果你已苦苦寻觅了许久,想解开心中的疑虑,想找到新的角度,进入感情世界更深入,如果想要全心投入地爱一场,但理性却让你犹豫不决……你都需要这本《爱情心理学》。
推荐2:这是一本讲爱情的真谛的书,它适用于绝大多数人,尽管每个人都认为自己的爱情是特例。无论你是否谈过恋爱,或者正在恋爱并准备结婚,抑或已经结婚,你都可以与身边的伴侣建立你所期待的那种亲密无间的关系。
Content Description

爱情是一种与人的成熟程度相关,需要投入身心的感情。如果没有爱他人的能力,如果不能真正勇敢地、真诚地爱他人,那么人们在自己的爱情生活中也永远得不到满足。如果说爱情是一门艺术,那就要求掌握这门艺术的人必须全心全意地学习和实践它。某种意义上,具备爱的素质、爱的质量、爱的艺术,才是真正的爱。
Author Description

霍妮,生于德国汉堡,是与阿德勒、荣格、兰克、弗洛姆等齐名的西方当代新精神分析学派的主要代表。1912年,霍妮获得柏林大学医学博士学位,而后求学于弗洛伊德的朋友卡尔亚伯拉罕(KarlAbraham)。1932年移民美国,于1941年组建成立美国精神分析促进协会,并成立美国精神分析研究所自任所长。她的论文因远远超过了她所处的时代而未能得到应有的注意,但自1967年《女性心理学》重版后,霍妮已被公认为首位伟大的精神分析女权主义者。
Catalogue

01 爱情究竟是什么
从父爱和母爱的不同说起 / 002
男人与女人是截然不同的存在 / 004
完美关系的秘密 / 008
爱的对象就是我们性的对象 / 011
婚姻的本质是什么 / 013
坠入爱河,究竟是一种怎样的感觉 / 016
02 一切是如何开始的
只有接近,才能喜欢 / 020
真的有“一见钟情”吗 / 023
相貌到底有多重要 / 026
难忘的第一印象 / 029
你爱的是他爱你的感觉 / 032
“相像相吸”,还是“相异相吸” / 034
你爱上了不该爱的人吗 / 037
你为何总是爱得刻骨铭心 / 039
迷恋算不算恋爱 / 043
错误归因——感情的催化剂 / 046
03 好男人和好女人都在哪里
谁是你的完美伴侣 / 050
上帝把好男人都藏在哪了 / 053
女猎手们,去哪里找寻心上人 / 056
婚配的自我调节机制 / 058
坏男人PK好男人,哪个更靠谱 / 061
男人不坏,女人不爱 / 064
什么样的男人值得嫁 / 067
迷上他,是主动出击还是被动等待 / 070
04 性,说不出口的欲望
性爱是一份相互给予的爱情馈赠 / 074
不可抑制的欲望背后 / 077
在性欲面前,女人比男人更理性 / 079
亲吻,对我们意味着什么 / 081
在爱和性的天平上,你更倾向于哪一边 / 084
没有性就不是爱情 / 087
“滚床单”,你准备好了吗 / 090
你有被“性成瘾”困扰吗 / 094
05 爱情并不总是浪漫的
吵架:隐秘的权力斗争 / 098
依赖与疏离:不容忽视的威胁 / 100
面包重要,还是爱情重要 / 103
恋爱中的你是否仍然感到孤独 / 106
嫉妒是爱的另类表达 / 109
爱上一个自恋狂会怎样 / 112
当爱情遭遇欺骗 / 115
在爱情与背叛之间 / 118
当情感演变为一场权力的争斗 / 121
恐怖情人,究竟要的是什么 / 124
06 婚礼之后,爱情发生了什么
浪漫之爱为何难以持久 / 128
互看不顺眼还是甜蜜一辈子 / 132
别让沉默“断送”婚姻 / 135
意见不一致时,该听谁的 / 138
不要试图隐藏你的需求 / 141
我爱你,是你我之间的事 / 145
男人原本就不懂得照顾女人 / 149
没有信任的婚姻,我们还能走多远 / 152
当激情退去,是习惯还是爱 / 155
无性婚姻注定会遇到问题吗 / 158
07 感情的终点站:分手或离异
你能坚守天长地久吗 / 162
分手后,还能做朋友吗 / 165
为什么分手后更爱他/她 / 168
原来失恋真的会让人心碎 / 171
外遇,谁都可能遇到的事 / 174
离婚,你真的准备好了吗 / 177
离婚以后,孩子就再也不会快乐吗 / 181
是什么让闪婚恋人又闪离 / 183
换伴侣不能解决一切问题 / 186
08 亲密关系的培育
保持和加强现有关系 / 190
定制你的感恩计划 / 193
发现你的主要“爱语” / 196
放下爱的控制 / 199
别拿自己的尺子量对方 / 202
放下亲密关系中的挡箭牌 / 205
爱自己,是终生要学的课程 / 208
宽恕伴侣,重燃爱恋之火 / 211
不要对爱失望,要为爱而努力 / 215
后记
爱是一门艺术 / 217
Book Abstract

男人与女人是截然不同的存在
男人和女人有着本质的不同
在男女的世界里,爱、性和婚姻,是完全不一样的。就好像同样都是摇尾巴,对于猫而言是威胁,对于狗而言则是示好。男人和女人原本就是截然不同的存在。
朱莉和迈克是大学同学,两人因一场曲棍球比赛而走到一起,之后恋爱三年,同居一年。在朱莉的心里,结婚已是自然而然的事情,但是当身边闺密一个个披上嫁衣时,迈克却对结婚绝口不提。
有一次,朱莉无意中说:“我们结婚吧。”迈克想也没想就拒绝了。
这时候,朱莉感到深深的挫败:为什么?为什么迈克想的和我想的不一样?
朱莉安慰自己,也许他只是事业不顺,于是没有再提。
朱莉没预料到的是,他们在她30岁的时候分手了。
很多女孩恋爱失败的原因,就在于没有换位思考。在她们看来,恋爱中的男人就应该像她们一样,爱上了就有着深深的依赖,之所以需要性是因为爱得太深,发生性关系之后就会越陷越深,情到浓时就会考虑婚姻。可是,既然男人和女人是截然不同的,你又怎么能用同样的方式来推理男性的行为和心理呢?
那么,我们又该怎么理解对方,从对方的角度思考,从而得到想要的结果呢?
这就要说到男人和女人之间最大的区别是什么。那就是男人没有生育功能,而是需要女人来帮他生下后代。
与此同时,由于人类的婴儿非常脆弱,需要漫长时间的养育才能成人,所以需要整个家庭齐心协力才能把孩子抚养成人,直到他们结婚再生下孩子。这就是人类婚姻关系的本质。男人和女人就此缔结合约:你生孩子,我和你一起养我们的孩子,婚姻从此尘埃落定,男女之间开始了一段有法律约束的关系。这个约束就意味着大家都要考虑到其他人的利益,约束自己的本能。
那么,男人和女人需要约束的本能是什么?对于男人而言,他们大多会想:既然只有女人能生孩子,那么要是能多和几个女人发生关系,岂不是可以留下更多后代?所以男人会尽可能多地寻觅性,对婚姻则不一定给予承诺或者尽量拖延承诺——因为双方一旦步入婚姻的殿堂,则意味着要承诺专一,这就减少了男人得到更多孩子的可能性。
对于女人而言,婚姻对其有保护作用,能进行后代的养育;而单纯的性则不然,只可以用来交换更好的生殖资源。所以如果一个女人不要婚姻、只付出性的话,那就意味着她总想得到点儿别的什么回报,比如优质的遗传基因、金钱或地位等。而女人潜在一种本能,就是所谓的“东食西宿”,既想在有钱人家吃(得到供养者的抚养资源),又想和英俊男人睡(和情人生孩子获得优质基因)。
至此,我们可以做一个总结:男人对婚姻的态度,就像女人对性的态度;反过来也一样,男人对性的态度,就像女人对婚姻的态度。明白了这层意思,你就可以轻而易举地摸透男人的心思。
比如说,男人深爱一个女人,会本能地愿意给她婚姻;就像女人深爱一个男人,会本能地愿意和他有性关系一样。
比如说,男人和女人发生性行为并不一定是因为爱她,也许是出于其他目的;就好像女人嫁给一个男人并不一定是因为爱他,也许是出于其他目的。
比如说,想要得到男人的婚姻,女人应该在性上表现出(和他对于婚姻一样的)谨慎的态度。
爱、性、共同生活
回到我们最初的话题,它看起来是那么容易被理解:爱、性、共同生活,原本是三件独立分开的事,不要以为有了其中一样,另外两样自然就会美好,也不应觉得没有了其中一样,另外两样便不能存在。实际上,用这两种态度处理两性关系,只会使两个人更看不清楚事情怎样才能有更好的改变,怎样做才会有更好的结果。
毫无疑问,社会的标准和人们的愿望无不希望这三件事绑在一起。当然,我们也赞成人们要努力追求三方面的美满,因为这样才是人生最美好的境界。可是,现实生活中,太多的人只想着标准答案或理想远景,而否定每天的生活。如果一个人总是惦记着天堂该怎样,而忘却自己生活在人间的话,这样的人并不会有快乐的日子。所以,积极改变现状才是务实的态度。
爱往往使两个人走到一起,并最终步入婚姻的殿堂,但是,能否愉快地在一起生活,几乎与他俩之间有没有爱没有必然联系。实际上,光凭爱,并不能保证生活在一起就可以有很多乐趣。
快乐地生活在一起还需要“爱”以外的心态,以及爱的技巧。无论欠缺了什么,爱只会驱使一个人去忍受和原谅对方在共同生活里造成的痛苦和伤害。越多的爱便导致越多的忍受,承受越多的痛苦和伤害。三方面同时很美满,才是最美满的婚姻,当然这需要两人有自愿的、投入的学习态度才能产生效果。
除此以外,两个人还需不断地摸索、研究、讨论和做出修正,才有机会实现美满的婚姻。
……
Introduction

关于什么是爱情,有很多种解答。有人说,爱情就是两个人互相征服,唯有征服才能保持长久的爱情;也有人说,爱情就是甜蜜的忧伤;还有人说,爱情很可能只是人类进化的一种产物,其社会学意义不过是为了保证人类的繁衍生息。一千个人对爱情就有一千种解释。
确实,我们活在这个世界上,都期待能遇上一个亲爱的人,建立一段亲密的关系,与这个亲爱的人在一起,就像回到妈妈的怀里,享受着对方带给我们的温暖。与他/她在一起时,我们是踏实的、安全的,可以真切地体会到“爱”到底是怎样一种感觉。
然而,爱情也是最难把握的。两人在一起的时候,总是充满各种小摩擦、小误会,让双方都抓狂不已,一旦没有妥善解决,由此引发的冷战或争吵,往往会消磨掉彼此间的爱意,甚至导致分手或离婚。
爱总是让人做出愚蠢、危险的事,但也让人行为勇敢,仁慈慷慨。但究竟什么才是爱情?为什么你爱的人却不爱你?与此同时,你不爱的人却对你死缠烂打?爱情是神奇的,它为人们带来了幸福,同时也带来了很多的困扰,如何才能让爱情永远停留在最美好的时刻?

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